However unhealthy I believe he is to you and especially in close proximity, I'm sure there was many memories and attachments/comfort felt knowing he was around and so close. It's okay to mourn for that closeness. I hope you feel better soon.
Lingerie? Sexual innuendos?
Haha, that sounded so cringe-worthy just reading it. Sorry you had to go through that
Your hashtag got me laughing. Hope it goes well with magic #9 lmao :)
First off, I am by no means a professional therapist or anything close.
Yes, you need professional help, but know this isn't your fault. What happened all those years wasn't your fault. You were a child who trusted in adults, and that one adult failed you. You are doing the best you can with what you have. And honestly, you are amazing. I don't have to know you to know you are a wonderful person. I know it's hard for you to trust people, you're probably looking at my words and being skeptical about it. That is okay. That is your defensive mechanism kicking in to try to protect yourself from danger. Regardless, the only thing I wish for you is to talk to a therapist for your own sake.
Nobody deserves to ever go through what you went through. I will pray and will good vibes your way.