Screw it. That place robbed me of life, energy, self-identity, days off, and a summer. I'm fücking walking to the lake and enjoying a final fücking day off, even if it's due to being sacked.
Holy s**t. I put off telling my mom, as I was anticipating a completely different reaction, but she's relieved for me. She didn't even go on about "getting out there and sending resumes". Hell, she was talking about holidays and treating myself. WTF, that's not like her.
In fact, everyone is telling me that it's a good thing, everyone has confidence in me finding something fast. . . but me. Why? Well, 4 months is the quickest I ever found a job after being let go, before that, the last time took me two years. So, I'm taking the past into consideration when I'm completely unconvinced of other's confidence.
Even Derek was great about it, in his low-key way. Was concerned, set up a chair for me because he knew I wanted to sit outside, fed me a pity bowl, pepped me.
I'm not buying any BS, though. I feel like a pile of s**t, like this is the beginning of the end of my life, that fail is the only outcome I get to have in life. I don't have it in me to put rose-tint on. I'm only going to do that for in-person applications and interviews. I won't deepen my negativity on purpose by exaggerating it, but I'm not going to put energy in doing the opposite, either.
Okay, it took me waaaay too long to accept, understand, and appreciate what you both were saying. Thank-you. I think in the end, it's just as simple as I'm being a dumbass stuck in a bit of a temporary identity crisis.
I simply can't process my life, I don't know which way is which, I'm terribly, terribly confused.
But, I see an end to that. I've lately been coming to some conclusions about the puzzle that initiated that confusion, and the answers are so simple, that they must certainly be the right ones. If these conclusions settle in and I get used to them as fact, I think I'll do a fair share of allowing much of my old self to return. And, I'll remember myself again, and remember my value. Thank you both for trying to remind me.
I want to respond, but I'm having a hard time figuring out what to say, just that I'm coming to believe that I get/got in life and love exactly what I deserve. And, if I did deserve better, I would simply have it. Things would have gone differently in my life. And, now, it's too late in life to hold out for much.
Why shouldn't Derek choose the best for himself? HE'S young enough to hold out for more. What 27 year old virile, active,ambitious and smart guy dreams of committing to a 37-year-old clumsy, broke, quiet woman with no life outside of the survival job she has, no action plans to change any of it, who only shares a few commonalities? The fact that he allows me in his bed at all, when he's not really all that interested in sex is baffling, if not flattering.
I don't need to think I'm special, anymore. That's dangerous. I don't buy it. I'm not. Not anymore, likely never was.
When I think about our union in as realistic a mindset as my psyche will allow, this is a bit unbalanced. I am very beautiful, but I'm in my late 30's, too. Not fit (not fat, but not fit), not as young. As awesome as I'm sure I am for my age, Derek is much younger, so very fit and in tremendous shape. He's truly many women's fantasy, and he absolutely has his pick of any girl he could desire. He's into activity and I know would want the same in a partner. I am not athletic as such.
And, when I think of all that, I realize that I'm really out of Derek's league, should probably feel extremely flattered that he chooses to take up with me at all. All of the noncommittal stuff should be understandable to me, when I think that he's likely assessed all this, will probably choose the best for himself when it comes to loving someone, and out of all the women in the world, all the young, fit beauties he could choose or hold out for, how could I think that I should be his romantic end game?
What a dream, what a sham. Weird, odd ride designed to waste time. In reality, I should be feeling lucky that he has ANY desire for me.
Yes, it's Derek again, yeah. I know these are more often than not TMI, but I like to get it out, and no one's in my life that I can blab at about it. I didn't write all I wanted to, because even with this post, I filtered myself.
It was nice to spend a bit of money on myself too, finally. Got some clothes, stuff for around the apartment, new purse.
I'm thinking of getting rid of all my current dish and glassware, even all stemware, except for some sentimental pieces from my childhood or teens. Replacing it all with something appetizing and modern, like cool white square dishes and neato oval bowls. Something clean and uniform looking. I deserve new, crisp, clear, fresh things. I have re-invented myself, however I have, and why shouldn't my current style reflect that?
Today's the day I can say that I, as an employee, am more important than the position they hired me for.
If I'm wrong about the identity, fine. You are both very much alike. Then, you're the other bloody dipshit to whom the exact same thing applies other than personal details in first half of the first paragraph and the last in paragraph 2, I'd still write this exactly for you, too. I've just been ignoring you for years, not just a half year, as you well know. You've been still hounding me with no reaction from me for all that time. So, my point amplifies.
I'll admit to having had a thrill out of being a keyboard warrior, for a very long time, and enjoyed being snarky and a bit cünty. But, I'm not feeling much like that, anymore. Only when there's something that hits a nerve in personal experience where I think it could do good to teach or, if not teach, spark some flames. I've been barking less at people, and you know it! I obviously offended you greatly back in the day. I get it, I probably had no right, as I never lived anyone's life but my own so don't know bloody everything. I'm sorry that your anger over me has bothered you this much to freak all over me on this site for so long, and that you oversee what you do, but it's not my problem, and you need to stop. You still won't like the results if you don't. They only hurt you, not me. And, I won't be responding to EITHER of you.
If I drop more names of real-life loved ones of yours like I did last time, will you go away again? Oh, no. Of course you won't. You'll just ONCE AGAIN pretend to leave and then come back with a new alias in a month or two, to relentlessly and uselessly hound the shït out of every one of my secrets and comments for, let's look back at your first order of activity, over an entire HALF YEAR, while never once did I address this new moniker in any way, shape, or form, until now. Never. Never since your over half year that you've been trying so hard to bother/insult me have I acknowledged it whatsoever, knowing who you were as soon as your first post. Stupidly thinking or (please let this be the case, that you're not as TSTUPID as it seems so very obvious that you are), pretending to stupidly think, that I actually have been replying to you and my own posts via Cynic, when everyone knows, because lots of people on this website are either simply observant or know me personally outside of ST, that Cynic and I are far from the same. We don't write alike at all (sorry that the both of us do happen to know how to write in somewhat proper English, yeah that's pretty rare, I agree, hence your faux claim that we write exactly alike) . Also, anyone that knows my behaviour here knows my actual old aliases, that I haven't used them in about two years (except one new one that I used less than a handful of times for ex matters), and that I HAVE, in the past, replied to myself, with the same username as the one I initially posted with. Never do I like my own posts or comment, I find it vile, and everyone will know that's the truth because I find it even more vile, above all, to lie.
But, you're not above that at all. So, continue on with your smear campaign. If Derek, a guy that I was intensely secretly in love with for the better part of a year, can't bother me with false claims, neither can some nothing 50-something ugly, fat diddler-of-children, piece-of-hick Southern-trucker-fück nobody, who has proven to be obsessed with me because I simply called him out on this exact kind of hounding disgusting behaviour on this website towards a hurt young girl, many moons ago.
Now, you've just received your little bit of acknowledgement from me that you've been so very desperate for, for over half a year. It's simply just a repeat of what I've said before. Take it, because that's all you're going to ever get, again. I'm really not interested, nor do I have the time anymore, to keep repeating myself with you or anyone else or arguing on this website. It's boring to me, now. Yes, I see that repeating yourself is still awesome fun for you, but, take a look at the past half year of your time here, and look at my reaction. Not the same as before, right? Total silence and complete unacknowledgement from me is a change. Change: something you aren't used to, can't do yourself, therefore have to cling to this Cynic=Mopy crap, because you refuse to accept that others can. To use your own words to a recent question, it's because you're scared. Scared that you can't change, and will therefore never improve your crappy-a*s life. And, I'm using your weak-a*s fear now to prove the point I made in my post:
"One of us stays the same, and one of us breaks free from toxic people."
People who can change patterns, as I have proven to you during this half year of attempted abuse by you, probably don't need a psychologist. I'll eventually get where I need to improve my life and the world around me. You on the other hand, take your own shïtty advice. You're way more stuck than I'll ever be. I came out of my silence toward you to prove a point, to you, to myself, and to anyone who may doubt me, but that's all. I really don't get off on replying like this to people, anymore, and am annoyed that I have to do it again now because you refuse to even see change in others and can only operate under what you have been used to. I will not respond again to you, no matter your reply/future posts/future alias' posts, and we all know that there WILL be a response no matter what, since you're too stupid to help yourself. And, if you keep doing the same crap, hounding me on here even for years to come, I still won't acknowledge you, my little Scarecrow.
But, my advice to you, and you'd be real, REAL wise to actually heed me this time: stay the fück away from this website, or, if not, quit hounding/attempting to degrade me (by any means, including using multiple alts at a time to do it, because I'll know, as will any working mind here, they will obviously be you fooling no one but the children and broken adult-children you prey upon here). I promise you that you really, REALLY won't like what happens as a result, if you do. Take my advice, and you can rest assured I won't be bothering or upsetting you, not even to quip, as I haven't otherwise for this half year.
Cut it out now. Good-bye.
And, now I've been Gaslighted. Very poorly Gaslighted, might I add, as I didn't happen to simply not hear the last magic word "new" before I "freaked and stormed out" like he told me, last night. No, I made sure to slightly delay reacting until I knew for sure what he had said. I always do, and if I'm not sure of what is said, I never answer or react until I do. Not with him, I'm so very careful with him. No, even if you said "anyone NEW" as opposed to the "anyone ELSE" that I heard, it doesn't even make sense that it makes any difference to the point you were initially making. How does not sleeping around with anyone new not make you what you telling me I am? Then, he's going off about his "values", like all of a sudden, he's sexually virtuous and therefore should be respected and so also has the legs to stand on to outright call my behaviour "so whorish". He's insisting that even if he didn't sleep with someone and just went home with them, he still wouldn't date a different person the next day. Makes no f*****g sense, and what straw-reaching horseshit. He's now saying that he never would sleep with two people at the same time, that there's got to be a clear break between partners, AND, he apparently doesn't sleep with anyone he at least doesn't have an interest in (oh, that little nugget of complete bullfuckery was a huge mistake on his part, is going to be analyzed to death by me, and become very useful in the future as I tuck it away and whip it out to make a case). This goes against everything he made me previously believe, and I'm going to have to review my posts over our entire time together to discredit that. This is the same guy who has been trying to tell me since meeting me that he and feelings and emotions don't mix, that he's an alone person, that he is absolutely not looking to date nor have a relationship of any kind, that I'm his neighbour (replace that with "convenient") and we're having fun and all, but "not to get my hopes up", that he doesn't care who I bring home. When, I had been so desperately watching for any little crumbs of hints of feelings for me that he could drop, and he just told me last night that essentially he was interested in me somewhat. There were none! He made sure of it! Because, if I had known that he was somewhat interested as he's now saying, I'm sure everyone knows that I would have static clung right on (well, in my head but acting relatively suave), wouldn't have even gone out and met Dan months ago out of being butthurt about Derek laying down the law about what he does and doesn't feel. This is just more lies, isn't it? ISN'T IT? I can't tell! Could someone smarter than me please tell me just what the f**k is real?
I was just Gaslighted, wasn't I ?
Oh wow, he really is the sociopath I more than suspected. I'm in so much shït right now, I think, as I pretend to buy it and play the puppet on his strings that he thinks I am. Because, it's worth gathering more inconsistencies so that I flip his entire applecart upside down, later. Like the fact that he's saying he had sex with his ex because I had someone over. I didn't have anyone over, but because he said Bryan's name, I now know for sure that he was referring to that night of the motorcycle ride when he tried to reach me but couldn't. So, was he using that as an excuse to justify sleeping with his ex, or was he actually hurt to think that I was out there sleeping with MY ex? I need to find out for absolute sure which, gather careful, undeniable proof, then overthrow whichever game he's playing: one of a sociopath or one of emotionally broken wounded child.
If he is the sociopath I think he is, I'm fortunate to have a big one-up on him. He mistook me for an Apath in the beginning, as I've never really revealed to him exactly who I am, as I hid who I actually am, which is an Empath, essentially a Socio's biggest threat and enemy.
I wrote something nice? Why, how impossible, according to some ST visitors! Anyhow, whatever it was, I hope it was helpful/well-received.
Nah, I don't accept this as even-Steven. I never treated him the way he's treated me. Even if I had slept with another, I never ignored him for weeks on end afterwards, just to take him up again when drinking, and not think of him any other time. I've not done that to him several times over. Oh, if only I could do that!
And, Phraser encourages me when I do something to break apart from him, and aside from exasperation from the atrocious things he does or says that I relay to her, she doesn't need to say much else. I think that by this point, she's really finished hearing about it.
I'm glad this has been so predictable of me, though. I didn't know I'd end up this obsessed, for instance. So, it should be really easy to predict what's going to happen from here on out. Wanna illuminate me? Not saying it won't be complete crap, or that I am going to do anything to prevent whatever it is, but it's nice to have a head's up.
"Which is exactly what you need. No more sex, or bed sharing, or talking. This is not going to end the way you want."
I'm forcing myself to do what I need, though. And, whether I like it or not, it's nothing but good for me. If he's out of my life completely, good! He didn't deserve to be in my life in the first place, then! If he becomes a better friend, then great! He sees that there's someone a little special in front of him, and maybe that begins a great friendship. If that great friendship happens to lead up to better sex, then maybe that'll be great then, too! If none of that, fine. But, I'm no longer up to winning his kindness/closeness with sexual servitude, subordination, and intimidation.
On Thursday, when I was final in my mind about the kid, he came persisting at my door. When I opened it, I just stared at him wordlessly with cold eyes for a moment or two. He never before seen me look at him so squarely and meanly. It was only a flash, but long enough that he actually was taken aback. The first thing he did was cower and ask if I was mad at him. Then I switched on the play mode and started beaming again. "I was like, what did I do?" he asked after I relieved him. Even the next day, he mentioned that look to Dillon. He admitted that he was scared for a minute.
Then, why go and immediately do something wrong all of a sudden? Hmmm. . . could it be because you liked it? You want to see me get more mad at you so you go make sure to do the one thing that gets every girl sure as all hell mad at you. I mean, you really loved Screaming Banshee, and that's all she ever did, was be mad and scream. Guys love to chase, and I've seen firsthand that you love temper. You saw a glimmer of something you liked, but I'm right here, easily accessible. What better way to both see what you liked again, and more of it, and make an ultimate chase by pushing me away your very self, by ensuring that I get what you'll assume to be extremely mad!
Oh, screw. See what I do? I'm going to make excuse after excuse until the cows come home about this, aren't I? "He's using her and the sex that he didn't probably even want, to play a chasing game with me". Are you f*****g kidding? This is seriously how my dumbass mind works? Anything to not accept exactly the truth: he's a player, and I am nothing to him but an easily forgotten hazy memory. And, again, I'm unwanted.
There is no game, and if there is,
Game's over. Everyone loses.
Oh, and by the way, the one out of two trees you took in October when you first discovered the Sustainability Committee, is dead. Thanks for not actually having planted them as you were supposed to.
And, I can't believe I forgot until this morning, that you did the one thing someone should never ever do around me. How could I forget that? Someone does that, and immediately, they are are a piece of shït to me. How can you be such an environmentalist, work and care for the land, then thoughtlessly and carelessly toss an empty beer can into a field like that? Sustainability Committee my a*****e! This is the same way you treat me, too. One minute caring for me, next minute, terrible treatment.
But, what bothers me more is not only did I not react in any way, but that I authentically forgot the incident. I blasted an ex an anal fissure in my teens for doing what Derek did. It was a really fücking huge deal. So, what? I turn a blind eye because Derek's simply cute? Well, on one hand, he's not my boyfriend, and even if he were, he's not my child that I have to discipline into better behaviour. Plus, it wouldn't work, anyways. Not only are you not supposed to try to change someone, but people will defy changing unless they recognize for themselves an err of their ways. And, Derek is a bullheaded stubborn jackass with an ego the size of the good green Earth he litters. He will staunchly refuse to adjust or change, just to spite anyone's criticism, even if they're right. How despicable of us. Him for the obvious, and me for my cowardice. I'll stay silent for now, but my respect for him has once again eliminated. I can't even really be friends with someone after I see them litter just a candy wrapper. My opinion of them would always be unflattering after that. And, up until now, I would never forget it. I don't want to forget it - how despicable you are.
Look. . . if this is all true and good, well, yay! Good for you. I sincerely hope things work out with your marriage. Because, and I think mostly everyone doesn't get this, love and coupledom is a gift! Requires that reminder everyday, moreso if its taken for granted. What I dislike is that I needed to bully you a bit for you to do the right thing, feel the right way. Not that my comments paved your path or was more of an influence over your own morals and reasoning, but if it helped in any way. . . ~sigh~ I just wish I didn't have to feel the need to be a cünt to influence in good ways. Like, why can't peeps just do the right thing on their own, yo?
I can understand how that comes off as a platitude, which is why I hesitated writing anything outside of Secrettalk, or at all, but I'm not aimlessly rambling nonsense, either.
He left her without a single doubt in her mind that he loved her, dearly. That's not a platitude. That's a blessing and gift for life, and it could possibly make all the difference for her healing going forward. I really hope she'll see it that way, if only eventually.