"OMG, You Sing To Yourself SOOO Much"

He's a f*****g a*****e, really. But, it seems only towards me, and only some of the time. I just don't understand. I wish I had the guts to just cut him out.

Every Day Is A Chance To Change Your Life

I could find a new career today. I could adopt myself out as a brat. I could find a part-time job, today. I could simply ask people for money. I could be richer by the end of the day.

I could change my health by even taking one vitamin today and not stopping every day for the rest of my life.

************

Yes, I did decide to change my life today, and I'm doing it, and no, it's not wasting time on ST, but I do need to take frequent breaks from what I'm doing due to sciatica. Speaking of that, I could start practicing the stretches a friend forwarded me this week to help me with that. Effing pain. It's been over 3 years. I'm tired of living with it.

"Come Get More"

Oh, hey! Look at what I discovered! A comment box! Now, you never have to flood the front page with not-so-annonymous "re:"s or " @"s to which no one can actually answer without being forced to post yet another front-page flooder. One topic can brilliantly be contained in one post! Wow! What an unheard of feature!

Please Stop Being Scared Of Checking Your Bank Account

God gives me chances. Like, a tax credit cheque, and a larger paycheque than I expected.

First things first, I called my bank about the inordinate amounts that they have been charging me a month. Figured out why, easy fix: stop using my debit card for purchases. Cash only. Fine, sort of knew that already, but thought there was a charge cap per month. There isn't. Boils down to: be responsible and accountable. Fine, fine. I've been that way in the past, I can do it now.

Next up: Goodbye Goodlife Fitness. That's a service that I don't use for a whole lot of money a month. Since, I think, February. I could have purchased that bicycle and got fit that way for the amount that I've wasted by not going to the gym and paying for it.

Coming up: Rogers, give me that damn credit for the week my internet was out! And, while we're on the phone together, maybe consider ditching my landline or fish for a current promotion that can help me out.

"You Always Forget"

It's kinda backwards with me. I started off loving the crap out of myself. I still feel I do. My instinct is to feel all sorts of positive about myself, that I'm amazing and fabulous, extremely beautiful and unique and wonderful. So talented, full of idealistic traits and values. However, my love life and past paints a picture of myself being a person that no one can truly love. I won't go into how deep this goes, but at 38, I have to admit to having never been loved by any man, though I have been thoroughly misled many times and for extremely long periods of time, that I had been. Psychologically, it takes its toll. I now find myself single and not at all anyone that any decent single man wants to even date. It's not like I'm not "out there", either. I'm just, somehow, repulsive to anyone's romantic sensibilities. Some bloody plague.

Why am I with this guy? Well, I'm technically not. It's not a relationship. Again, another male who wants nothing to do with me, romantically. He's just someone to focus on or do until someone better comes along, either on my end (pattern seems unlikely this will happen) or his (doubt he'll stay single much longer). Why do I put up with his crap? Because, it's not always crap from him, there are good times, too, but mainly, because there is no one else to put up with.

Am I Obsessed With Her?

No, but that's coming from me, which probably doesn't bode well.

I Hope I Meet You Again My Old Friend

There's nothing rude in what Cynic said. You just don't understand the truth in it, nor wish to. The advice was to help you not be disappointed (in this case or in other areas your life in general). People from grade one aren't the same as they grow older. The truth is that you no longer know this person, and the image you have of them and how you remember them is not true to what's real now.

You'll eventually come to learn this in life, so why delay for later what you could know now?

Here We Go Again

P.effin'.S: the more tattoos you adorn, the smaller penis and bigger p***y you are.

Proven fact.

Here We Go Again

And, you could always prove that you're a man and not the self-proclaimed p***y you are, by not letting some internet s**t get under your skin and rise above it.

Yeah, I'm the only one that gave you actual REAL SOUND advice, and not only won't you take it, you insist on airing your extreme butthurt about it, absolutely showcasing the weakassed wimp you are by attempting (and, by the way, failing to make any impact like the subordinate beta that you insist on being). You will do nothing to change your life, not even visit and spend time on a simple bloody website other than this that will help transform you into the god you wish to be. Instead, you waste time here, trying and failing to hurt me in a time of ACTUAL hardship, as I grieve during the loss a beloved companion.

Yeah, ever so hot. Keep on whining, little beta boy. You're making no friends here, nor attracting anything but negativity. Grow the f**k up, dicktard.

Her 11th Year

When she was a baby, before she even really knew me, because she was a surprise birthday gift for me from Tom, so she lived with Tom several months before we both lived on our own together here, we took her to the vet for the first time. She was put on a high examination table, where she couldn't jump from without great injury. She was scared, and though I wasn't living with her and she didn't even really know me well, but she clung to me there, buried herself in my chest above anyone else, which didn't seem quite right, but it did speak volumes, she chose me for safety and I always remembered that. She WAS a very smart bunny. . I dunno. Maybe. But, in the end, I was also the only one she had left. I should have done better. All I hope is that she didn't hate her life.

Her 11th Year

Everyone thinks so, but for her breed, 10-12 years or even early teens is their expectancy. She didn't die of old age. She was sick and I didn't help her. I didn't think it would get so bad so quickly, but I still did fail her, nearly every day of her life.

I'll try to remember the times I didn't, but it was mostly her being a sheer delight to me and me being a subpar human being to her.

Great News! Fuzzyssad Has Finally Committed Sucide!

No, it's not true. It's a troll.

The Lover And The Liar

Always do you keep trying. Never do you actually impact. As has always been, your flaw is not knowing what truths are and what actually insults me in order to hit a trolling bullseye. Yawn. Pick another alt and try again. You might still get it right one of these days.

He's Gone And No Longer My Neighbour

Too soon, mate. Too soon.

High Five? WTF?

Laugh as you'd like. The whole thing is pretty funny.

He knows now that I'm no longer interested in being just fuckbuds, but my actions override what I've told him, and it has been my choice to initiate the sex each and every time, so it's all on me. I really have no right to b***h about it, I well know, but his actions are no less exasperating, and I just can't help but document it. LOL!

I Hope You One Day Fall In Love With Somebody Like You

1. Met this guy over two years ago, when he moved in next door to me. His apartment is attached to mine. I otherwise would have had nothing to do with the kid, except that he's wildly social and friendly, makes everyone around him his business, and was very curious in meeting (and, thereafter, bugging) me. It's kind of a good thing he engaged me so much, as I would have otherwise considered him a nightmare neighbour with the sheer obnoxious volume of his music and property invasiveness. But, as it turns out, as long as I was joining in on it all, I wasn't upset about any of it.

2. At the time I met him and up to a year and a half later and a year before, I was in various stages of either self-destruct or distraction mode after I lost the love of my life of nearly 14 years together. I didn't care how I was treated. A part of me didn't even want to live, anymore, so it didn't matter at the time it all started how he treated me. He, as well as others, was just something to do for distraction away from the continuous loop of pain and assailing mental torture. After awhile, I gained my self-worth back, but the dynamic with this kid was already set, I was already into things with him, and though I've cut off every other guy from that time, Derek has sustained, besides the fact that I've been confused about some of his contradicting actions and words. Part of the situationship was nifty and easy, and he's the most physically gorgeous guy I've ever been with, and I've never had that in my life, before. There is lots about him that I love, coupled with lots about him I hate. I have a bit of an addiction to him, and he's the last thing from that time of my life that still remains. I even cut myself off from him in an explosive way two months ago, but it didn't stick.

3. Because I'm good at imagining and seeing potential in things when it suits me. It's fallacy, though, and I know that I'm not really in love with him, just the imagination of what I believe he could be, if he allowed himself to be it. Because, how easy would it be if the guy for me just happened to fall into my life by moving in next door, who was beautiful, smart, and dedicated, gives me attention whenever he is home, and otherwise has a whole package except for his emotional unavailability to me? I'm not really in love with him anymore, I don't think, but very attached.

4. Wasting my time. . . well, there isn't any other romantic interest around who meets any grade of mine to spend time with, and I currently don't have a lot of time to spare. When I do, he's around, wants me around with him, and that attention fills a need and is comforting, is routine, is home.

5. I don't know, anymore. I've never really met my true match in love, to be honest, and when I was convinced I had, I turned out to be wrong in the worst way. I'm 38 years old. Pickings now are painfully slim, and I'm now VERY choosy, and otherwise won't settle for less than a bloody superhero. Someone infinitely special. I wouldn't even settle for anyone I've ever previously been with, though I loved them all and mourned their departure and wished for them back (sometimes still do, it's rather still confusing). Even if such a magic man exists, I'm not likely bound to find him living the life I currently am, so my goal is to change my life and be the most I've always wanted to be. I'm now in a place in my life that, after things are said and done with Derek, I won't be doing the bed-hopping thing or taking up with anyone for distraction, anymore. I haven't been feeling like that since the end of last summer. It's only going to be the best or bust, which I have come to accept that this means I may be alone for the rest of my life. We'll see how well I swallow that with the passing of time, but it seems to be a better concept that I live a lonely life on my own without love than to follow the pattern of being disappointed and crushed by taking up even one more false love.

I don't know what it is I deserve. Maybe this is it. A part of me feels like I've previously been a selfish arsehole, myself. I am very much the kind of person who avoids even the love of my life when he's sick, because I catch things easily, and me being sick is a little more crippling for me than what most people seem to experience. That's fine, it's just the hypocrisy of him wanting my mothering when he's sick, and then him bailing when I am sick that bothers me. But, I think that being with someone as selfish as Derek has taught me that I'm less selfish than I think I am, or at least, possibly was. I DID give him some care when he's been sick. I've given him so much more than he acknowledges or sees, and I've done it freely without getting anything back from him, not even his love. Yeah, I resent him periodically for that, but then again, this is only a situationship, like a practice run for a future love. So, this experience has proven to me that I am not a selfish partner, if I ever was, that I can be a very good girlfriend, but do I deserve better? I don't know. But, even if I don't, I still won't be giving my full heart to anyone who doesn't measure up and match my own capabilities.

Thank you!

I Hope You One Day Fall In Love With Somebody Like You

Then, leaving my apartment today, found a handwritten note taped to my door.

"Hope you feel better, Muffin. Have a good day."

Then he drew a tiny heart.

Kid. . .

Passion, Passion, PASSION, How About?

I'm not claiming that to be the aim or lying to myself. The only aim is to do whatever I want, get as much in time (and sex) with him as I can before he goes, and that's either going to be the end of it all, or it's going to be the beginning of something that, don't worry, even I know won't happen. I'm just allowing myself to attempt to find an in to his affections (which I know won't work) one last time.

Passion, Passion, PASSION, How About?

No, no I'm not, nor do I want to be.

Passion, Passion, PASSION, How About?

I have less than a month to take whatever I can from him, and however I want to, while he's still around. That's basically all I'm saying. If I want to do the girlfriend act or be whatever extra I am in order for me to enjoy him better, it's for my own short-term benefit.