It Still Blows My Mind

Yeah, it's all kinda cool when you think about it. Or, disturbing, if you think about certain aspects of it.

All Sorts Of Disappointing

And, what do I have to be indignant about, and how was I otherwise insulted?

Some turd posts absolute nonsense about loving me for eight years, which could rather be upsetting, as I knew it was hooey (you don't love someone you've never met, for starters), then a week or two later, turns around and calls her a terrible person (as she's needlessly beating herself up for feeling like one, btw) for not swooning to some sexually objectifying, pressuring, creepy and desperate walking gnome with sociopathic traits, because you relate to him. Kind of f*****g sick.

All Sorts Of Disappointing

You think this is anger? Again, have you not read anything from my past here when I actually had a temper?

I am passionate and indignant when I'm purposely being insulted and not heeded when I'm right on the money. That's all you're witnessing, but this isn't anger.

All Sorts Of Disappointing

And, you claimed to have been in love with me for eight years, but you still prove with every comment you make, that you never really read anything of mine.

I have never claimed to have all the answers. I have often posted how I've been wrong about something, and that I like to be proven wrong if and when I am. I have often written about enjoying a bit of humility, and that's proven by the fact that I write of my shortcomings and flaws just as much as anything else, as I have even done on this very post! When I'm wrong, I have admitted it, and I have apologized. What the hell were you basing your eight years of "love" on? It was obviously nothing I had written, as you seem to have never read me, because I'm writing no differently than how I've written in the past, but suddenly, you don't know what you saw in me? I've always been doing my thing here, just like this. And, several times, you would absolutely have read that I don't have friendsies on this website, nor did I come here to make any, which makes the fact that I have acquired one or two in real life anyways from being myself on here kind of kickass. If I'm backed by anyone else here, it's because what I've written resonates in truth, not aimlessly because I'm a popular fan favourite. I'm not, as you should very much know after eight years. I don't have a false sense of security. I'm just very right when I'm right, and this is one of those times. It just happens to be you, this time, that my undesired scawwy truth is directed to, and you don't like it because you don't like the implications of what my being right means for you. That's all.

All Sorts Of Disappointing

Yeah, so I'm right. You're just a pathetic whiner. You have never both known actual personal rejection, nor have you ever read a damn thing of mine. Real rejection comes to you at every angle, at every moment, right down to what you'd even consider supernatural, to where you're left to fully believe (and to add to even more rejection, no one would believe your examples as to why, nor understand, because nothing close to it has ever happened to them or any "normal" person on earth) that you're God's punching bag solely for his amusement. You obviously have no f*****g idea what you're talking about when it comes to rejection, or you wouldn't even bother mentioning something as insignificant as being "attacked" on a stupid website as an example if you've experienced anything even close to it, because it would be the least that would ever happen to you within the day or even hour. You have no idea what it really feels like to lose, really lose. You are just decidedly a weak person who chose to feel sorry for yourself and caved and gave up entirely for less reasons than others who refused to stay knocked down no matter what.

I'm not giving you worthless platitudes, I'm giving you survival tools as someone who knows better and has experienced more rejection than your little bubble mind has the capacity for, and you're too stupid to even see that it's one of those things that I mentioned that you could use to your advantage. Plus, check out this case in point: The more you whine about your rejection, the more pathetic I see you as, and the more rejection you're getting. Throw your hands up and give up on life, you indulgent, weak little voluntarily victimized crapbucket. Real rejection wouldn't give you the luxury of being able to do that, because it's too busy not leaving you alone to the point where you'd either kill yourself or figure out how to conduct your life differently in order break yourself free from its relentless torture out of sheer desperation. If you are lucky enough to have the option to give up, and actually do so, you deserve the rejection that will come your way for choosing to do so all the more. It's fair, very fair, indeed.

All Sorts Of Disappointing

Now look at you, posting elsewhere about rejection. I bet you have no idea what real absolute personal rejection actually is or feels like. The fact that you think I don't, completely proves that you haven't read a damn thing of mine. Eight years, my a*s. And, you have the nerve to say you know one single thing about me? What a whiny piece of insult you are.

What happens to all the rejected in the world, you ask? They accept themselves all the more, respect themselves, find their own value and go for the gold in life, anyways. Sitting in a corner feeling sorry for and b******g about your rejected self is the pathway to even more rejection, as anyone who has actually been through real rejection would know and would have learned.

We all have advantages in this life. I would never be apologetic for mine, because they are blessings that I'm thankful for, they are the things to concentrate on and develop. Realize what yours are, and create a world of win for yourself! No one else will nor can do it for you!

All Sorts Of Disappointing

Maybe the best of all worlds doesn't exist for you, but it does for me. Have fun settling for less. I will have fun not settling for anything but.

I find it pretty effing hard to believe that you've read eight years worth of my past arrogant cuntfacery and rebel without a single cause keyboard warrior slinging over the years, and thought I was somehow swell back then, when it's been only recently that I've chilled out and started being much less attack-y. Yeah, still pretty sure you're just a-trollin'.

All Sorts Of Disappointing

I'm a fantastic person, and perfectly happy all on my own. Even though I wasn't attracted to him, I did try to give him a chance. This guy tried to make moves within less than a half an hour of meeting me. Yeah, he's real swell. Awesomely respectful to boot, huh?

I really don't care what you say. I've previously only ever been with, and been in love with, "nice guys", quiet, shy, virginal, etc., (all those typically unattractive guys that most guys say that girls don't go for) who I've had to "grow" into attraction to, and they all eventually crushed my heart, too. At this point in my life, I am allowed to be picky and finally be with someone who I am firstly attracted to for a change. You're not going to get anywhere trying to shame me for going for what I want. Feel sorry for the shmuck all you want. His desperation reeked and was all sorts of deal-breaking. Plus, the way he joked with me was by "tricking me" (flat-out lying) to test my trust and gullibility for his amusement, which is essentially a sociopathic trait. He did this more than once during our brief time together. I'd be absolutely brain-dead stupid to ignore such red flags after the crap I've gone through in life.

And, yes, only people who can live up to my expectations will be allowed to be in my life, even friends. I would only be unhappy in this world if I settled for less. And, since I surprisingly enough DO have some friends, all only amazing, and since I can live up to my own expectations, these people do exist out there, and they're the only people worth associating with.

Why don't you also feel sorry for the drunk neighbour across from me who I refused to open my door to and meet a month ago, who now screams vile obscenities and death threats outside my door whenever he drinks (which is almost always, day and night), who, though I've never seen his face or said a word to him, and though he's never seen mine, I have to file a restraining order against? I didn't give him a chance, either. Poor fellow, I'm sure.

For someone who is supposed to have been in love with me for the past eight years (Nash: I knew that was just an unkind troll post) you sure have a psychopathic way of showing it. Guess you're one of those people I wouldn't have ever given a chance to, and how right my instincts would have been!

Perplexing Thought Comprehension

Just consider yourself lucky, very, extremely lucky to know that real happiness is found all alone, all by yourself, completely within. I don't think there are many people in this world that know if you live and die with only yourself, though it sounds scary and lonely, it could possibly the happiest life in comparison to those who can only find themselves whole within a relationship.

Flat out? As awesome and all as I think I am, the fantastic things about me that have always been there, blessed with numerous and envious talents, beauty, soul and personality, my highest ambition since childhood was coupleship. Nothing was more important than the relationships I was presently in at the time. Nothing came before them, and I was quite proud of that. Now, I was engaged and in a relationship for almost a decade and a half where I considered/still consider myself to be the happiest I've ever been, and maybe I was. But, you know all of those talents, beauty, soul, and personality? They somehow went dormant. Over time, I had developed anxiety, I had a temper, I enjoyed misery, became mean or negative and critical, became lazy, and without knowing it or really understanding how this stuff works, I was emotionally dependant on him and the relationship, and hey, I really REALLY enjoyed it because I was so very happy in love and my relationship. It was easy, an easy and quaint and comfortable life, and every day, I knew how lucky I was to be in such a wonderful relationship. I had all of my happiness eggs in that one basket.

If devastation didn't strike and force me out of that relationship, essentially proving that I had been completely wrong about him and our relationship the entire time, my greatest ambition would have continued being to keep living that exact same way for the rest of our lives, except, EVENTUALLY, I'd find the motivation to reach my other goals with him at my side. I was forced, to my absolute horror, to see that my greatest lifelong ambition of all, relationship and romance and love, was a false ambition, not a gateway to true happiness. Other people, no matter how much you think you know them, no matter how sacred and sturdy the promises they make are, they are individuals with their own thought processes and free-will, and are, essentially, material. And, like anything material, it can be ripped out of your life at a moment's notice, and you can not trust anyone but yourself to be an absolute guarantee in your life. How I never wanted this lesson! And, I'm still coming to terms with it, but the instant that relationship ended, I found immediate strength that I never knew I had because I didn't before care or know to have it. My long-term temper and anxiety that I was only starting to get help for? It instantly disappeared. The magic within myself that I thought was robbed by another psychic vampire years before this, returned immediately. All of my previous talents were suddenly amplified by what seemed to be a thousand-fold. I had never written so much in my life, even poetry again. I could barely walk down the street without having made a song or story to near completion. It would happen daily, constantly. I was absolutely fearless to everything, which I had never before experienced in my entire life. Again, this all happened almost THE VERY INSTANT he was out the door. It was overwhelming, those first few days to be dealing with copious amounts grief at the same time being so awestruck at myself and the true miracle that was occurring within me. Not saying that it has been smooth sailing, ever since. Not at all. I can't even tell you with words the depth of grief and bereavement I've gone through. It took some time for the damages to become apparent, and actually, the more time that went by, the harder it was. It's taken a few years and a whole lot of experiences and crap to be at the point I am, now, and I still have a whole hell of a ways to go. But, the big thing was that I quickly learned that real happiness comes from with-friggin'-in. And, now? I am working towards all of my life-long ambitions and goals that I've had since childhood. I am 38 years old, and I'm at the peak of my life, the height of my talents, popularity, most inwardly and physically beautiful I've ever been. I am aware that this is a short window of time for me to be taking the utmost advantage of it all and cash in, and that's what I'm trying to do. And, once I accomplish what I need to do, I know that the happiness I will have made for my own self will make what was once the happiest time of my life seem like a pale childhood indulgence and comfort, like a security blanket.

I am destined for greatness, and will not take less. And, although it'd be ideal to be in love and loved, I'd rather have nothing to do with any of it if it's not the also the best and greatest, or if it takes my focus away from reaching my goals. I might end up being alone for the rest of my life because of that, and I'm shocked, but I'm becoming rather okay with that. I severely enjoy myself and my own company. I'm awesome and always have been! So, why wouldn't I? It's really okay to be alone.

I had to be forced to learn this. Blessed are those who already came into this world knowing that! I also intend to one day formally teach children the importance of making themselves happy, how to be careful and choose the people they invite into their lives, friends/family/spouses alike, because I think it's so very important and lacking, and I really could have used this knowledge early on.

"The Best Thing Ever"

I don't really know what happened, nor do I know if this will apply to you, but I think it possibly could, so I feel that it's important to advise you, just in case, because it's something that I struggle with:

Please don't let this change how you conduct yourself in relationships. Take his word for it that you did nothing wrong. Please don't do what he did and later be hard on another who may be your "best thing ever", because you're being cautious or avoiding disaster. Be careful of how this confusion/hurt effects who you become. Sometimes, crappy/hurt/damaged people are just out to make clones of themselves without even knowing it. Don't be one, not even a little bit.

Alex, My Friend

Ah well. You grow, you learn, and you either get better or move on to something you're better at. :)

Alex, My Friend

I can tell that the point of this has nothing to do with the writing or story, but to carefully switch the gender each time Alex is addressed. I don't know why that's worth showcasing at all, as it only makes the thing even more intolerable and insipid to read. Gimmicks are useless if the product doesn't stand alone without them.

Would I Be A Jerk To Say We Can't Be Friends?

Absolutely not. You know what you can and can't handle, and you know where he stands. Definitely don't stick around hoping his mind will change. It won't. Not for you, and you don't need to adopt that kind of rejection. Be nice and good to yourself (because no one else will better than you can). So, only associate yourself with those who see you as the most, and who are exactly what you want them to be, friends and lovers alike.

Our Expiry Date

Wow. I just got it, now. I confess, I really didn't understand what the heck you were going on about, didn't make a lick of sense, was incorrect or confused rambling, but a year later, makes perfect sense. Is completely on the mark. Precisely to the letter, played out that exact way.

I've made up my mind. Cakes don't get sweeter with time, either.

Why Won't I?

Knock. The f├╝cker knocks on the door. I can't cut this off!

Why Won't I?

Yup. Her toenails just stepped out not but five minutes ago, and here he is, asking if I finished my painting.

Do not respond. Donotrespond Donotrespond Donotrespond DonotrespondDonotrespondDonotrespondDonotrespondDonotrespondDonotrespond.

Please stop now

That Day Will Come

I've stopped believing that.

It's All Fine

I actually am very grateful, moreso now after the fact than at the time, and the more I think on it, the luckier I feel. It adjusted my attitude as a pedestrian, actually, which I needed.