The Eternal Loser

No, it's really not. Not for more than an hour or two. Just a reactive and defying tantrum in response to accumulating frustrations regarding crappy situation and circumstance.

Avoidance And Other Barriers

Anyone paying attention does.

I Got A Problem

Have you cheated in your past and he knows about it? Or, did you cheat on someone else with him or to be with him?

Or, yes, maybe he has a history of cheating, therefore will think that everyone else must also have that tendency?

By the way, three years ain't nothin'. It's actually the average time it takes for the initial infatuation and new relationship/honeymoon brain fog to completely wear off and no longer be the main playing factor in a relationship. But, in the grand scale, three years is a very short amount of time to invest in a relationship. Trust me that it's much better to end it now than 3 more years, or 3 more after that, or 3 more after that. When things start going off in a relationship, things don't reverse, they continue to keep going off, so, the time to nip the relationship entirely is in that budding stage, not after it has fully bloomed into the skunkcabbage it is, obviously wilting, having already sucked valuable nutrients from good soil to feed the rotting thing.

Unconvicted Of Unconvincing Inconveniences

Trust your instincts, as it is shocking how many untrustworthy people there are in this world, and devastating is how they can be the ones closest to you.

What you are experiencing are red flags. You know - without a doubt in your mind - what you want out of someone to both love and trust. I'm sure that you're quite specific. You likely know exactly the words you want to hear from someone that you intend to trust your heart with. Don't take anything less, or you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment (at the very least). I wouldn't trust those generic adjectives, either, although I once did and the results were catastrophic for me. Not just that, but in more recent times, I felt like I loved someone, yet couldn't really explain why, and I knew from that previous experience that it was because I didn't, just was highly infatuated. I proved myself right when less than two years later, I no longer felt that way.

I suppose, though, it depends on what you want from a love. If you don't care about permanence and aren't in it for the long haul, then I suppose it doesn't really matter. If you're looking for true love eternal, I would highly advise you to effing run!

Hair Isn't The Only Thing To Recede When You Get Older

Good to know. More motivation to keep my pot smoking days in the past. It could also be due to a misaligned bite, which I have from late-teenage orthodontic work. Could be a couple of other things, too. My dentist suggested that the one tooth may be from the frenum pulling my gum beside it. But, I'm glad it has been caught early and that I stopped smoking, so if it was due to that, it doesn't need to progress.

The Game Is Too Tempting

I was getting there on my own, just my immediate reactions are still operating under my old programing. Even writing about it is feeding into it and the distractions I'm attempting to eliminate. This character building crap is a pain in the butt, full of temptation and doesn't come overnight, though. I need to be pushed and tested to achieve it, I know, as old habits die hard.

The Game Is Too Tempting

Ah, Jesus H. C! Today, 3 more arse-kissing texts from Dillon. 6 attempted phone calls from what I think is my childhood friend who I saw again at his father's wake this week, 1 text from the dying cook who has been chasing me for a couple of years, and more texts from Derek, venting off more stories of his life's woes, still with no apologies, and certainly not at any point since our parting having asked a thing about how I've been. Literally, he knows absolutely nothing about me or what's been going on with me for three weeks, I haven't said anything, he hasn't cared to once ask. What an atrocious human being. I wasn't again bugged by Steve to hang out today, but that was last night. Honestly, this s**t is a little WAY too much, ridiculous, and so f*****g stupid. What aren't people getting? Not a damned one of you is interested in helping me to improve my life so that I may one day sooner rather than later be in such a position as to be mindnumbingly bored as yourselves and be able to afford to play with you. But, no. All people want to do is talk at me, use me, waste my time, or suck my spirit, while I'm over here f*****g struggling to pull myself together. No one cares to help me, so why don't they just be honest about it? Those that say they do, simply don't. And, I'm just sick to death of it. If I'm stepping myself up, guess what the people in my life are going to have to do in order to get an in with me? Why do you people who don't want to help, want me not to help myself, either, and attempt to break my focus? It's f*****g sick, really.

No, I'm not going to play the stupid game with Dillon and Derek. I'm just not going to contact Dildo when I said I will this week, very much like what he always does to Derdick. There. Played a game. Cost me nothing of myself to do it.

Oh, and that childhood best friend who tried calling me 6 times today? First person to ever play psychological mind games on me and break my innocent trust and scare the hell out of me. If we're going to seriously backtrack here to get to some real answers about myself.

I just want to seriously hermitize.

New Year, New Life

Yes, indeed. I have already started to take action in small ways that won't overwhelm me, and even they are more of a challenge than I was anticipating. But, I'm forcing myself, just to get used to doing and acting while I still internally dig and search. You know, the whole "start small" song and dance bit.

I Walked Out

Wow. So, he's "sick to death" and had "nothing good to say" to me this morning, all because I refuse to cause a stink about the insufficient heat in my apartment. I've apparently been annoying him and p*****g him off beyond tolerance because I won't do anything to help myself. In the meantime, I have not bothered him about any of it, nor have I asked him to help me. Does this not seem a little extreme? Like, what business is it of his to be that mad and infuriated? Obviously, I take care of what matters to me. Example, I didn't stand for his crapass treatment of me, today, and certainly did something about it.

He's just insulting. He doesn't help me at all, nor care enough to help me, but apparently cares so much so to demean me. I think it's all just an excuse so he feels justified in doing it.

How I Got My Lover Back

Help to achieve a husband who actually doesn't love me at all on his own accord, and voodoo children that are half-spawned by Satan?

I think I'll pass.

Seduced By My Stepdaughter - Is This Considered Incest?

How is this not boring?

Even fake as crap, you couldn't imagine anything more interesting, risque, or unique to poorly write than this? This is it? Please, please, please say that you have aspirations to be a writer so that I can gloat when your dreams shatter and you end up failing, then turn into yet another human clone, leading a completely unremarkable life as a shadow.

Sober Blues Again

I can't. I just can't. Can't afford it, can't cave. I really don't know how to cope with myself, right now, granted, but I know that just indulging for need and not want isn't going to make me feel any better about myself when the effects wear off and I'm back to work on Tuesday. Maybe with the weed, I'd have a much cleaner apartment and beautiful new paintings I've created, interesting thoughts and stories, and that's so incredibly desirable. That WILL make me feel better about myself, but I'll know it was medicated and manufactured, and that will disappoint me.

But, does it really matter if it is drug infused? I'd feel so much better, right now.

F*****g tug o' war between my mood and mind.

Brunch With Jamie

Wait a sec! LOL! My happiness isn't dependent on being with someone. I already was happy in love for nearly a decade and a half. But, not being picky in the first place ended causing me massive upset, grief, and bereavement beyond anything that I could have ever known. That kind of unhappiness is nothing I will ever go through EVER again, so dang right that I'm gonna be picky (not really picky, just specific) as I please, because I'm currently learning how to be truly happy living single potentially forever. So, no matter what, I'm paving a path that will make me happy with or without that love or partner thing. I'm not there yet, of course, the transition takes time, but I will be.

Ever finding someone suitable would be a very ideal addition to my life, but unhappiness would be to settle for less than the right match for me. Money and sex are superficial as eff, and I'm not going to give chances to anyone who shows himself to be that. See how happy you'll be when you're finally able to land the woman you really want to bang, then fall in love because of Miss. Pretty Freepuss, and down the road, eventually discover how happy you truly are because you didn't take the time to discover that she's the wrong one for you before you decided to fall in love with her and are then stuck with her and a depleted bank account.

Brunch With Jamie

"Keep telling yourself whatever you need to tell yourself."

Same back to ya.

Brunch With Jamie

Okay, so again, no listening to you, and be the decent person that I am, instead. Good! :)

Because, I'm a woman, and I don't care about money. So, it's not a universal truth. And, if I exist, then what must also exist is that not all men only care about sex.

Next up: Unicorns and Where to Find Them

Brunch With Jamie

If that's a universal truth, then I suppose I won't bother with any man again, except to start swindling money out of them for being superficial pieces of human hard-on trash. You'll all pay up if you think you're going to get sex, and I'm apparently really good at making guys think they're going to get it. But, you'll never get the sex, again, and I'm going to rob the eff out of you.

Nice guys or no, all the same, huh? Just that the nice guys are easier.

Do I have it right?

OMG, Poor Fellow

Add it with any slander you wish, I'm still the star in your specially created username, and you can't help but keep paying me attention, even though you know you shouldn't. That's how you're enamored with me.

I take up every other post because this place is quite dead, not because I'm posting any more frequently than what I've done in the past. There are no strangers here. There isn't really anyone here.

OMG, Poor Fellow

And, yet, look at you all in love with me n' stuff. It's almost cute!

OMG, Poor Fellow

Why besides misery hates happiness, failure hates success, and you're just jealous?

Go, Go, GO!

And, doing was indeed done! The pumpkin soup is simmering. The beet salad is chilling. The avocado dip has set. Laundry is soaking in the tub. I didn't get to the sweet potato/apple/cranberry bake nor the chocolate cake, but I am satisfied of just how much I did accomplish. Now, I'm waiting for young Mr. Grumpus to arrive.

While I wait, I'm a cozy wee bug, right now. I'm listening to Blossom Dearie jazz, and the dripping of rain from outside. I'm sipping on a wonderful Chardonnay in the perfect and spotless wine glasses I keep, because I felt I deserved it. Damn, I'm romantic as s**t, really. I'm so very proud that I'm not essentially blue about any of it. I suppose it's because even with someone, I was like this all on my own. I found this music on my own, I had this in my personality all on my own. I enjoyed it mostly all on my own. I thought I was fueled by a great love, but I wasn't. I was fueled by me under the comfort of believing that I was joined by a simpatico second and true love. The invitation to join me was there for the taking. Physically, he joined in from time to time when it was unavoidable. But, if it wasn't adopted in the heart by the one I adored above all, that's not for trying and it's truly not my fault. I suppose I enjoyed so much on my own, when I think on it. The way I internalized and processed my experiences, that was all me. I was on my own, and didn't at all know it. But, should that diminish what it all was to me? It's too bad that it wasn't shared in the soulful way that I felt it. I wanted it so much, I was certain I had it. But, in the end, the truth is here to slap me in the face. However, in its soul, it's all still alive and if everything else was an illusion, the proof in the eventual pudding is that my experiences with him were not dependent on him. They were mine, and still are. It would be nice to share the romance with someone true, granted, but it's truly okay that its not. It's not my loss. Someone else is losing out, and I'm enjoying. I'm so glad that I can, and that I made this happen for myself. Do you know how easy and natural it is for me to do the opposite? To wallow, to melodramatize, to take to misery? I had to fight all of my natural urges to enjoy what I am, all on my own, right now. Yeah, I'm really proud of myself for this.