Always do you keep trying. Never do you actually impact. As has always been, your flaw is not knowing what truths are and what actually insults me in order to hit a trolling bullseye. Yawn. Pick another alt and try again. You might still get it right one of these days.
Too soon, mate. Too soon.
Laugh as you'd like. The whole thing is pretty funny.
He knows now that I'm no longer interested in being just fuckbuds, but my actions override what I've told him, and it has been my choice to initiate the sex each and every time, so it's all on me. I really have no right to b***h about it, I well know, but his actions are no less exasperating, and I just can't help but document it. LOL!
1. Met this guy over two years ago, when he moved in next door to me. His apartment is attached to mine. I otherwise would have had nothing to do with the kid, except that he's wildly social and friendly, makes everyone around him his business, and was very curious in meeting (and, thereafter, bugging) me. It's kind of a good thing he engaged me so much, as I would have otherwise considered him a nightmare neighbour with the sheer obnoxious volume of his music and property invasiveness. But, as it turns out, as long as I was joining in on it all, I wasn't upset about any of it.
2. At the time I met him and up to a year and a half later and a year before, I was in various stages of either self-destruct or distraction mode after I lost the love of my life of nearly 14 years together. I didn't care how I was treated. A part of me didn't even want to live, anymore, so it didn't matter at the time it all started how he treated me. He, as well as others, was just something to do for distraction away from the continuous loop of pain and assailing mental torture. After awhile, I gained my self-worth back, but the dynamic with this kid was already set, I was already into things with him, and though I've cut off every other guy from that time, Derek has sustained, besides the fact that I've been confused about some of his contradicting actions and words. Part of the situationship was nifty and easy, and he's the most physically gorgeous guy I've ever been with, and I've never had that in my life, before. There is lots about him that I love, coupled with lots about him I hate. I have a bit of an addiction to him, and he's the last thing from that time of my life that still remains. I even cut myself off from him in an explosive way two months ago, but it didn't stick.
3. Because I'm good at imagining and seeing potential in things when it suits me. It's fallacy, though, and I know that I'm not really in love with him, just the imagination of what I believe he could be, if he allowed himself to be it. Because, how easy would it be if the guy for me just happened to fall into my life by moving in next door, who was beautiful, smart, and dedicated, gives me attention whenever he is home, and otherwise has a whole package except for his emotional unavailability to me? I'm not really in love with him anymore, I don't think, but very attached.
4. Wasting my time. . . well, there isn't any other romantic interest around who meets any grade of mine to spend time with, and I currently don't have a lot of time to spare. When I do, he's around, wants me around with him, and that attention fills a need and is comforting, is routine, is home.
5. I don't know, anymore. I've never really met my true match in love, to be honest, and when I was convinced I had, I turned out to be wrong in the worst way. I'm 38 years old. Pickings now are painfully slim, and I'm now VERY choosy, and otherwise won't settle for less than a bloody superhero. Someone infinitely special. I wouldn't even settle for anyone I've ever previously been with, though I loved them all and mourned their departure and wished for them back (sometimes still do, it's rather still confusing). Even if such a magic man exists, I'm not likely bound to find him living the life I currently am, so my goal is to change my life and be the most I've always wanted to be. I'm now in a place in my life that, after things are said and done with Derek, I won't be doing the bed-hopping thing or taking up with anyone for distraction, anymore. I haven't been feeling like that since the end of last summer. It's only going to be the best or bust, which I have come to accept that this means I may be alone for the rest of my life. We'll see how well I swallow that with the passing of time, but it seems to be a better concept that I live a lonely life on my own without love than to follow the pattern of being disappointed and crushed by taking up even one more false love.
I don't know what it is I deserve. Maybe this is it. A part of me feels like I've previously been a selfish arsehole, myself. I am very much the kind of person who avoids even the love of my life when he's sick, because I catch things easily, and me being sick is a little more crippling for me than what most people seem to experience. That's fine, it's just the hypocrisy of him wanting my mothering when he's sick, and then him bailing when I am sick that bothers me. But, I think that being with someone as selfish as Derek has taught me that I'm less selfish than I think I am, or at least, possibly was. I DID give him some care when he's been sick. I've given him so much more than he acknowledges or sees, and I've done it freely without getting anything back from him, not even his love. Yeah, I resent him periodically for that, but then again, this is only a situationship, like a practice run for a future love. So, this experience has proven to me that I am not a selfish partner, if I ever was, that I can be a very good girlfriend, but do I deserve better? I don't know. But, even if I don't, I still won't be giving my full heart to anyone who doesn't measure up and match my own capabilities.
Then, leaving my apartment today, found a handwritten note taped to my door.
"Hope you feel better, Muffin. Have a good day."
Then he drew a tiny heart.
Kid. . .
I'm not claiming that to be the aim or lying to myself. The only aim is to do whatever I want, get as much in time (and sex) with him as I can before he goes, and that's either going to be the end of it all, or it's going to be the beginning of something that, don't worry, even I know won't happen. I'm just allowing myself to attempt to find an in to his affections (which I know won't work) one last time.
No, no I'm not, nor do I want to be.
I have less than a month to take whatever I can from him, and however I want to, while he's still around. That's basically all I'm saying. If I want to do the girlfriend act or be whatever extra I am in order for me to enjoy him better, it's for my own short-term benefit.
Oh, f**k it. You know what? I'm just going to play my game hard and do whatever it would have been in my nature to do to win this guy over. if it doesn't work, as it never has, then, SO WHAT? The guy is leaving! Who cares? I set myself up with him nicely for who even knows what anymore? What does it matter if you make a horse's rectum out of yourself now that it could be done with forever? Show him what he's been missing out on this whole time, rub it in his face, then give him no more.
Step up the game to the max I can play it, whether he likes any of it or despises it, then send him on his way thinking whatever the hell he wants to. One way or the other, if he's so happy out of desperation to get far away from me, or wallowing in desperate misery of what he left and cast aside, I make this promise: I'm going to make that boy wish he'd never been born.
Game. . . right. . . on.
You carry a vibe reminiscent of other kind and deeply thoughtful members from this site's past (and present). You know, special people. Special in the good way.
I often like/relate to what you write, very very much.
Have you been on this site before under a different user name?
Yeah, it's all kinda cool when you think about it. Or, disturbing, if you think about certain aspects of it.
And, what do I have to be indignant about, and how was I otherwise insulted?
Some turd posts absolute nonsense about loving me for eight years, which could rather be upsetting, as I knew it was hooey (you don't love someone you've never met, for starters), then a week or two later, turns around and calls her a terrible person (as she's needlessly beating herself up for feeling like one, btw) for not swooning to some sexually objectifying, pressuring, creepy and desperate walking gnome with sociopathic traits, because you relate to him. Kind of f*****g sick.
You think this is anger? Again, have you not read anything from my past here when I actually had a temper?
I am passionate and indignant when I'm purposely being insulted and not heeded when I'm right on the money. That's all you're witnessing, but this isn't anger.
And, you claimed to have been in love with me for eight years, but you still prove with every comment you make, that you never really read anything of mine.
I have never claimed to have all the answers. I have often posted how I've been wrong about something, and that I like to be proven wrong if and when I am. I have often written about enjoying a bit of humility, and that's proven by the fact that I write of my shortcomings and flaws just as much as anything else, as I have even done on this very post! When I'm wrong, I have admitted it, and I have apologized. What the hell were you basing your eight years of "love" on? It was obviously nothing I had written, as you seem to have never read me, because I'm writing no differently than how I've written in the past, but suddenly, you don't know what you saw in me? I've always been doing my thing here, just like this. And, several times, you would absolutely have read that I don't have friendsies on this website, nor did I come here to make any, which makes the fact that I have acquired one or two in real life anyways from being myself on here kind of kickass. If I'm backed by anyone else here, it's because what I've written resonates in truth, not aimlessly because I'm a popular fan favourite. I'm not, as you should very much know after eight years. I don't have a false sense of security. I'm just very right when I'm right, and this is one of those times. It just happens to be you, this time, that my undesired scawwy truth is directed to, and you don't like it because you don't like the implications of what my being right means for you. That's all.
Yeah, so I'm right. You're just a pathetic whiner. You have never both known actual personal rejection, nor have you ever read a damn thing of mine. Real rejection comes to you at every angle, at every moment, right down to what you'd even consider supernatural, to where you're left to fully believe (and to add to even more rejection, no one would believe your examples as to why, nor understand, because nothing close to it has ever happened to them or any "normal" person on earth) that you're God's punching bag solely for his amusement. You obviously have no f*****g idea what you're talking about when it comes to rejection, or you wouldn't even bother mentioning something as insignificant as being "attacked" on a stupid website as an example if you've experienced anything even close to it, because it would be the least that would ever happen to you within the day or even hour. You have no idea what it really feels like to lose, really lose. You are just decidedly a weak person who chose to feel sorry for yourself and caved and gave up entirely for less reasons than others who refused to stay knocked down no matter what.
I'm not giving you worthless platitudes, I'm giving you survival tools as someone who knows better and has experienced more rejection than your little bubble mind has the capacity for, and you're too stupid to even see that it's one of those things that I mentioned that you could use to your advantage. Plus, check out this case in point: The more you whine about your rejection, the more pathetic I see you as, and the more rejection you're getting. Throw your hands up and give up on life, you indulgent, weak little voluntarily victimized crapbucket. Real rejection wouldn't give you the luxury of being able to do that, because it's too busy not leaving you alone to the point where you'd either kill yourself or figure out how to conduct your life differently in order break yourself free from its relentless torture out of sheer desperation. If you are lucky enough to have the option to give up, and actually do so, you deserve the rejection that will come your way for choosing to do so all the more. It's fair, very fair, indeed.
Now look at you, posting elsewhere about rejection. I bet you have no idea what real absolute personal rejection actually is or feels like. The fact that you think I don't, completely proves that you haven't read a damn thing of mine. Eight years, my a*s. And, you have the nerve to say you know one single thing about me? What a whiny piece of insult you are.
What happens to all the rejected in the world, you ask? They accept themselves all the more, respect themselves, find their own value and go for the gold in life, anyways. Sitting in a corner feeling sorry for and b******g about your rejected self is the pathway to even more rejection, as anyone who has actually been through real rejection would know and would have learned.
We all have advantages in this life. I would never be apologetic for mine, because they are blessings that I'm thankful for, they are the things to concentrate on and develop. Realize what yours are, and create a world of win for yourself! No one else will nor can do it for you!
Maybe the best of all worlds doesn't exist for you, but it does for me. Have fun settling for less. I will have fun not settling for anything but.
I find it pretty effing hard to believe that you've read eight years worth of my past arrogant cuntfacery and rebel without a single cause keyboard warrior slinging over the years, and thought I was somehow swell back then, when it's been only recently that I've chilled out and started being much less attack-y. Yeah, still pretty sure you're just a-trollin'.