Always do you keep trying. Never do you actually impact. As has always been, your flaw is not knowing what truths are and what actually insults me in order to hit a trolling bullseye. Yawn. Pick another alt and try again. You might still get it right one of these days.
Too soon, mate. Too soon.
Laugh as you'd like. The whole thing is pretty funny.
He knows now that I'm no longer interested in being just fuckbuds, but my actions override what I've told him, and it has been my choice to initiate the sex each and every time, so it's all on me. I really have no right to b***h about it, I well know, but his actions are no less exasperating, and I just can't help but document it. LOL!
1. Met this guy over two years ago, when he moved in next door to me. His apartment is attached to mine. I otherwise would have had nothing to do with the kid, except that he's wildly social and friendly, makes everyone around him his business, and was very curious in meeting (and, thereafter, bugging) me. It's kind of a good thing he engaged me so much, as I would have otherwise considered him a nightmare neighbour with the sheer obnoxious volume of his music and property invasiveness. But, as it turns out, as long as I was joining in on it all, I wasn't upset about any of it.
2. At the time I met him and up to a year and a half later and a year before, I was in various stages of either self-destruct or distraction mode after I lost the love of my life of nearly 14 years together. I didn't care how I was treated. A part of me didn't even want to live, anymore, so it didn't matter at the time it all started how he treated me. He, as well as others, was just something to do for distraction away from the continuous loop of pain and assailing mental torture. After awhile, I gained my self-worth back, but the dynamic with this kid was already set, I was already into things with him, and though I've cut off every other guy from that time, Derek has sustained, besides the fact that I've been confused about some of his contradicting actions and words. Part of the situationship was nifty and easy, and he's the most physically gorgeous guy I've ever been with, and I've never had that in my life, before. There is lots about him that I love, coupled with lots about him I hate. I have a bit of an addiction to him, and he's the last thing from that time of my life that still remains. I even cut myself off from him in an explosive way two months ago, but it didn't stick.
3. Because I'm good at imagining and seeing potential in things when it suits me. It's fallacy, though, and I know that I'm not really in love with him, just the imagination of what I believe he could be, if he allowed himself to be it. Because, how easy would it be if the guy for me just happened to fall into my life by moving in next door, who was beautiful, smart, and dedicated, gives me attention whenever he is home, and otherwise has a whole package except for his emotional unavailability to me? I'm not really in love with him anymore, I don't think, but very attached.
4. Wasting my time. . . well, there isn't any other romantic interest around who meets any grade of mine to spend time with, and I currently don't have a lot of time to spare. When I do, he's around, wants me around with him, and that attention fills a need and is comforting, is routine, is home.
5. I don't know, anymore. I've never really met my true match in love, to be honest, and when I was convinced I had, I turned out to be wrong in the worst way. I'm 38 years old. Pickings now are painfully slim, and I'm now VERY choosy, and otherwise won't settle for less than a bloody superhero. Someone infinitely special. I wouldn't even settle for anyone I've ever previously been with, though I loved them all and mourned their departure and wished for them back (sometimes still do, it's rather still confusing). Even if such a magic man exists, I'm not likely bound to find him living the life I currently am, so my goal is to change my life and be the most I've always wanted to be. I'm now in a place in my life that, after things are said and done with Derek, I won't be doing the bed-hopping thing or taking up with anyone for distraction, anymore. I haven't been feeling like that since the end of last summer. It's only going to be the best or bust, which I have come to accept that this means I may be alone for the rest of my life. We'll see how well I swallow that with the passing of time, but it seems to be a better concept that I live a lonely life on my own without love than to follow the pattern of being disappointed and crushed by taking up even one more false love.
I don't know what it is I deserve. Maybe this is it. A part of me feels like I've previously been a selfish arsehole, myself. I am very much the kind of person who avoids even the love of my life when he's sick, because I catch things easily, and me being sick is a little more crippling for me than what most people seem to experience. That's fine, it's just the hypocrisy of him wanting my mothering when he's sick, and then him bailing when I am sick that bothers me. But, I think that being with someone as selfish as Derek has taught me that I'm less selfish than I think I am, or at least, possibly was. I DID give him some care when he's been sick. I've given him so much more than he acknowledges or sees, and I've done it freely without getting anything back from him, not even his love. Yeah, I resent him periodically for that, but then again, this is only a situationship, like a practice run for a future love. So, this experience has proven to me that I am not a selfish partner, if I ever was, that I can be a very good girlfriend, but do I deserve better? I don't know. But, even if I don't, I still won't be giving my full heart to anyone who doesn't measure up and match my own capabilities.
Then, leaving my apartment today, found a handwritten note taped to my door.
"Hope you feel better, Muffin. Have a good day."
Then he drew a tiny heart.
Kid. . .