Good to know. More motivation to keep my pot smoking days in the past. It could also be due to a misaligned bite, which I have from late-teenage orthodontic work. Could be a couple of other things, too. My dentist suggested that the one tooth may be from the frenum pulling my gum beside it. But, I'm glad it has been caught early and that I stopped smoking, so if it was due to that, it doesn't need to progress.
I was getting there on my own, just my immediate reactions are still operating under my old programing. Even writing about it is feeding into it and the distractions I'm attempting to eliminate. This character building crap is a pain in the butt, full of temptation and doesn't come overnight, though. I need to be pushed and tested to achieve it, I know, as old habits die hard.
Ah, Jesus H. C! Today, 3 more arse-kissing texts from Dillon. 6 attempted phone calls from what I think is my childhood friend who I saw again at his father's wake this week, 1 text from the dying cook who has been chasing me for a couple of years, and more texts from Derek, venting off more stories of his life's woes, still with no apologies, and certainly not at any point since our parting having asked a thing about how I've been. Literally, he knows absolutely nothing about me or what's been going on with me for three weeks, I haven't said anything, he hasn't cared to once ask. What an atrocious human being. I wasn't again bugged by Steve to hang out today, but that was last night. Honestly, this s**t is a little WAY too much, ridiculous, and so f*****g stupid. What aren't people getting? Not a damned one of you is interested in helping me to improve my life so that I may one day sooner rather than later be in such a position as to be mindnumbingly bored as yourselves and be able to afford to play with you. But, no. All people want to do is talk at me, use me, waste my time, or suck my spirit, while I'm over here f*****g struggling to pull myself together. No one cares to help me, so why don't they just be honest about it? Those that say they do, simply don't. And, I'm just sick to death of it. If I'm stepping myself up, guess what the people in my life are going to have to do in order to get an in with me? Why do you people who don't want to help, want me not to help myself, either, and attempt to break my focus? It's f*****g sick, really.
No, I'm not going to play the stupid game with Dillon and Derek. I'm just not going to contact Dildo when I said I will this week, very much like what he always does to Derdick. There. Played a game. Cost me nothing of myself to do it.
Oh, and that childhood best friend who tried calling me 6 times today? First person to ever play psychological mind games on me and break my innocent trust and scare the hell out of me. If we're going to seriously backtrack here to get to some real answers about myself.
I just want to seriously hermitize.
Yes, indeed. I have already started to take action in small ways that won't overwhelm me, and even they are more of a challenge than I was anticipating. But, I'm forcing myself, just to get used to doing and acting while I still internally dig and search. You know, the whole "start small" song and dance bit.
Wow. So, he's "sick to death" and had "nothing good to say" to me this morning, all because I refuse to cause a stink about the insufficient heat in my apartment. I've apparently been annoying him and p*****g him off beyond tolerance because I won't do anything to help myself. In the meantime, I have not bothered him about any of it, nor have I asked him to help me. Does this not seem a little extreme? Like, what business is it of his to be that mad and infuriated? Obviously, I take care of what matters to me. Example, I didn't stand for his crapass treatment of me, today, and certainly did something about it.
He's just insulting. He doesn't help me at all, nor care enough to help me, but apparently cares so much so to demean me. I think it's all just an excuse so he feels justified in doing it.