Last night, he told me to remind him to take the garbage with him in the morning. I was feeling the effects of the weed we were smoking at the time, and said something along the lines of "I hope I don't forget", and he jumped all over that, saying that I always forget to remind him of things, that I'm extremely forgetful. To which, I was floored, and protested that I ALWAYS remind him of things he's told me to, and I provided examples of this! When I asked him for examples and specifics of me forgetting, he had nothing for me. I told him to tell me next time I do it, because, frankly, I didn't believe him. And, I don't. Not at all. I feel like he's playing with my head with this, just more gaslighting b******t he's invented in his head to keep me at arms length.
Here's what I know: I've been at this for two years, desperate to impress him at every turn, grasping at straws and even inventing any opportunity to do so. So, should he ever give direct instructions, opportunities that I jump for, I would NEVER not follow them and risk disappointing him. No. Not ever. I remember the one time that I accidentally dropped the ball, I stood there stunned for a long time at a grocery store, paralyzed and horrified that I screwed up. So. . . um. . . something ain't kosher here. And, here's another thing I know: I'm not a forgetful person. At all. I could understand me forgetting aspects of conversations when I'm high, but forgetting directions and instructions from the guy I obsess over, and many many times over enough for him to use the word "always"? Simply impossible.
So, when we leave in the morning, today, I indeed bring up the garbage, he's all like "wow, what a miracle, she remembered"!
This really bothers me. I don't believe him, and that would mean he's playing with my head and gaslighting me on purpose. I never doubted my very core behaviour and traits before, and he's not about to make me start, no matter how much my eyes star over for him.
I wasn't impressed at all. Even so much that I gave up fiddling with him in bed that night. If he wanted sex, he was going to have to get it himself. He didn't, so I stopped touching, rolled over and slept. Fine by me. I still had a good time, a ride down, some weed, some good company, and no lame sex that makes me feel so dissatisfied, used, and rejected. My internal injuries from our last romp were still raw and fresh anyway, so that would have hurt more than anything, and I don't like going down on him anymore, especially since he said that he didn't believe that I could deep throat, even though up to that point, I've only ever taken it deeper with every time. He woke up today saying that he woke earlier to have sex with me then fell asleep again. Yeah? I wonder how he was going to do it? Shake me awake and ask me to start? Because, he doesn't and never usually needs to lift a finger otherwise, and my own accord was only going to take it so far without reciprocity. I hope I can make that stick.