"You Always Forget"

Is this some kind of insipid joke? What, have no real reason to be unimpressed with me so you create crap in your head?

Last night, he told me to remind him to take the garbage with him in the morning. I was feeling the effects of the weed we were smoking at the time, and said something along the lines of "I hope I don't forget", and he jumped all over that, saying that I always forget to remind him of things, that I'm extremely forgetful. To which, I was floored, and protested that I ALWAYS remind him of things he's told me to, and I provided examples of this! When I asked him for examples and specifics of me forgetting, he had nothing for me. I told him to tell me next time I do it, because, frankly, I didn't believe him. And, I don't. Not at all. I feel like he's playing with my head with this, just more gaslighting b******t he's invented in his head to keep me at arms length.

Here's what I know: I've been at this for two years, desperate to impress him at every turn, grasping at straws and even inventing any opportunity to do so. So, should he ever give direct instructions, opportunities that I jump for, I would NEVER not follow them and risk disappointing him. No. Not ever. I remember the one time that I accidentally dropped the ball, I stood there stunned for a long time at a grocery store, paralyzed and horrified that I screwed up. So. . . um. . . something ain't kosher here. And, here's another thing I know: I'm not a forgetful person. At all. I could understand me forgetting aspects of conversations when I'm high, but forgetting directions and instructions from the guy I obsess over, and many many times over enough for him to use the word "always"? Simply impossible.

So, when we leave in the morning, today, I indeed bring up the garbage, he's all like "wow, what a miracle, she remembered"!

This really bothers me. I don't believe him, and that would mean he's playing with my head and gaslighting me on purpose. I never doubted my very core behaviour and traits before, and he's not about to make me start, no matter how much my eyes star over for him.

I wasn't impressed at all. Even so much that I gave up fiddling with him in bed that night. If he wanted sex, he was going to have to get it himself. He didn't, so I stopped touching, rolled over and slept. Fine by me. I still had a good time, a ride down, some weed, some good company, and no lame sex that makes me feel so dissatisfied, used, and rejected. My internal injuries from our last romp were still raw and fresh anyway, so that would have hurt more than anything, and I don't like going down on him anymore, especially since he said that he didn't believe that I could deep throat, even though up to that point, I've only ever taken it deeper with every time. He woke up today saying that he woke earlier to have sex with me then fell asleep again. Yeah? I wonder how he was going to do it? Shake me awake and ask me to start? Because, he doesn't and never usually needs to lift a finger otherwise, and my own accord was only going to take it so far without reciprocity. I hope I can make that stick.
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Mopy
It's kinda backwards with me. I started off loving the crap out of myself. I still feel I do. My instinct is to feel all sorts of positive about myself, that I'm amazing and fabulous, extremely beautiful and unique and wonderful. So talented, full of idealistic traits and values. However, my love life and past paints a picture of myself being a person that no one can truly love. I won't go into how deep this goes, but at 38, I have to admit to having never been loved by any man, though I have been thoroughly misled many times and for extremely long periods of time, that I had been. Psychologically, it takes its toll. I now find myself single and not at all anyone that any decent single man wants to even date. It's not like I'm not "out there", either. I'm just, somehow, repulsive to anyone's romantic sensibilities. Some bloody plague.

Why am I with this guy? Well, I'm technically not. It's not a relationship. Again, another male who wants nothing to do with me, romantically. He's just someone to focus on or do until someone better comes along, either on my end (pattern seems unlikely this will happen) or his (doubt he'll stay single much longer). Why do I put up with his crap? Because, it's not always crap from him, there are good times, too, but mainly, because there is no one else to put up with.
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Mopy
Wow.your relationship with this guy sounds dismal.YOU are better than all those put downs.someone saying that you are responsible for making them remember something is a person who is just irresponsible and passing the buck. That is total b******t !
Why are you with this dipshit? LOVE yourself.want better for you.
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Lovely58