Work, Work, Work. Stay Strong To Face The Challenge

Work is so stressful that I feel my stomach churns. Of course I want to have good performance, but I make small mistakes so often. Deadlines are approaching, and I worry so much that I would ruin all the stuff. I didn't feel like murmur too much, as I guess I have been doing this so much. Complaining and spilling it out to friends? I'm not sure that work, as that won't help unless I just accept the situation and do the duties one by one. I don't like to spread negative energy to others, as I might have been complaining too much. Even if people around know about it, what can they do for me? That would just further strengthen their image in me that I'm not good at my job. Nightmares of my old job keeps coming up in my mind, and the harsh words of my previous supervisors kept ringing in my head. Perhaps I am just not good at work after all and that I'm just refusing to improve? What if I will never be able to improve and overcome my problems? I started working on this job since May 2015, and I didn't end my two previous job well (i.e. I didn't left the job 'gloriously' --> I don't know how to describe it, but it was like I didn't leave with good impressions from my supervisors - I left at the verge of being fired, with supervisors - and even HR - had meetings with me regarding my performance and issuing warning letters - you get the idea). It was too shameful to let my friends or family know the whole picture. Some of them know, and some of them don't. I feel so shameful to tell them about it, and I feel that I'm ruining my image in their mind whenever I tell them about it. Well, I guess they know about it, even if I don't say it. It's so obvious! The procrastination problem has been following me since my college times. Am I just too stupid or lack of ability to overcome my work problems? It seems that most people can manage themselves well. Or am I really suffering from ADHD? Or is this idea of having ADHD just a way to keep myself from facing my own problem and giving excuses to myself? I have been working over ten years since graduation already, and many of my friends excelled and earned a lot. I feel that I'm so useless, that I can't help myself to improve. Now I fear that my previous poor working habits reappear in this job and that the new job honeymoon period ends. Yes there are lots of work in my job but if I am able to work faster and better perhaps I can get more done sooner and better? I commit all the careless mistakes like using wrong prepositions in work emails and making careless mistakes in work arrangement. Were my previous supervisors right after all? They said that if I didn't face the problems, I won't be able to work well in other companies and that no one will tolerate me on these. In this job, my bosses are really kind (oh I have so many bosses in this job). They are super busy, but each of them have the experience of reminding me of all my careless mistakes. Perhaps their patience with me will end soon? Next Monday there will be a new colleague report to work. In one sense it is good because someone will be here to share the work. But in another thought, there will be comparison and it might be stressful to face the comparison. For the work, it is good because someone smart will be hear to help with all the work. But will bosses think that the new person is just way better than me? And I'm so worried that my problem will create problems for the department, and I couldn't stand that they have bad impression in me. It started off well, and they had good impressions in me at the beginning. In my previous job, the supervisors had good impressions in me at first as well. Well I'm not sure if I'm avoiding work when I'm typing all these. But I feel that I have no one to turn to. I know I have friends and family, and they are kind. But what's the use of telling the problem over and over? They won't be able to do my job or solve my problems for me after all. What's the use of telling them then? It will just either make them worry or give them bad impression in me. But now I have problem in sleeping and I keep waking up in early morning or in the middle of the night. I also have problems with digestion. My mind is bursting and I'll say it's good to have this place for me to spill these out. Oh can I just dig a hole and hide myself in it? Will I ever be able to help myself out of this situation?
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troubledmind
I'm really touched to see your comment! I'm still working at the moment, and have stuffed myself with junk food for dinner.

I don't know what to say, but I like that 'fake it, till you make it.' Law of attractions. Remind myself to be careful with the thoughts in my mind as that might come true. If I keep thinking of bad things, bad things might come. However, I don't know how to define when to 'have good preparations for the worst scenario' or 'try not to think negatively'. But maintaining positive thoughts just keep me from turning insane.
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troubledmind
wow, reading this i was thinking to myself "did I write this?"

Too many similarities with what happened to me a few months ago. I was doing the work of other departments beyond my scope of duties and my company didn't like that, they had HR come in and i was given the option to quit or they would fire me. I had to quit to save my commissions.

the next job I went to was like "Boiler Room" i had people yelling at me constatnly saying i was terrible at my job, that I should update my resume, and "just go home, I'll think about firing you, so don't be surprised if your desk is celared out tomorrow and security escorts you out."

I'm still working at this job. someone did give me this insight, "make this job your sanctuary" as in, with anything else going on in the world, with your emotions, with your fear and anxiety, make work the one place you can go to forget it all and be at peace.

I know, hard to do when it's work that's making you feel this way, but trust me, pretend like workis like a day at the spa or a video game that you can get lost in, whatever it may be, pretend that your work is your safe place, "fake it, till you make it" or rather, pretend until you start to believe it.

I'm starting to feel better here and I'm doing better at my job, and I hope this advice works for you too.
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JesusChrist