Why Can't I Let It Go?



Hi. I'm a young teenager. I have an awesome family whom I love. Recently I just barely found the courage to tell my mother and father,and later my two older siblings that I was molested 7 years ago.
It was at a summer camp/ clinic type thing. I'm a military brat,so it was hosted by the Base's youth center. It was a whole week of different summer sports. I was super excited. We were going to learn how to play lacrosse, ultimate Frisbee,and.Water Polo. The first activity day was at the pool.
I didn't know how to swim, so it was only fun because I'd be in water,and I had a crush on one of the counselors. I stayed in the corner on the shallow side of the pool while the other kids and my older siblings -who knew how to doggy paddle at least- played water polo and splashed around.
I was in a not so great mood because of course, I couldn't do anything in fear that I would drown And then it's just my luck when my crush appears. Swimming trunks and nothing else. I looked away,because of course, I shouldn't be looking at him when he isn't wearing anything but trunks.
I thought I'd have no problem ignoring him,and not spazzing out, because why would he notice me? I wasn't even in a bathing suit,not even a one piece. Just shorts, and a dark t-shirt. He'd only talked to me a few times before, he was nice to me,and funny too. But even as a little girl I knew that the fantasy of him waiting for me to grow up was unreal. And there were much prettier co-workers I was sure he noticed.
But then the next thing I knew, he was next to me in the water,asking me why I wasn't swimming around and play ball with the other kids. I explained that the supervisor wanted me to stay in the shallow end so I wouldn't get hurt, slip,and drown.
"That's too bad." He said. And I nodded,completely in awe that he was speaking to me, and not the really pretty supervisor.
I don't remember his face,or his name. I don't want to,but I remember everything else that happened vividly,that memory is the thing of my nightmares.
He offered to hold me up and walk around in the water so I could play with the other kids. I didn't even think twice. I said yes, and nodded about a hundred times. He picked me up and kind of held me on his shoulder, my backside pressed against his chest, and one arm around his neck for support.
He didn't do anything right then. Just made small talk with me- 'how many siblings do you have?' 'What are your favorite games' 'are you having fun?' Things like that.
And than he shifted me around with one arm around my waist, so he was holding me in a way that my bottom was pressed against the front of his trunks. I didn't think much of it. Maybe his arm was tired?
All the other kids and adults were occupied with either playing, swimming around , or talking. With all of those people in the pool I wasn't afraid of what he was doing, I didn't even know fully what he was doing! My parents had taught my siblings and I about 'good touch bad touch' and what to do If something happened. But that moment when they told us vs. the moment then in that pool seemed so much eaiser,said than done.
His attitude,his mood,and his tone changed in an instant. He put his hand over my mouth,and told me to be quiet. Be quiet? Just a second ago he was asking me to tell him all about myself, from my Name,my nick name, favorite subject in school, and now he was telling me to shut up? It finally clicked in my brain that there was something horribly wrong with this situation when he threatened to hurt me or worse if I said anything.
Instead of kicking,and screaming,and doing whatever I could in my power to stop him, you know what I did? I NODDED. I gave him consent.
"Silly stupid obedient girl." That's what he said to me.
And then he proceeded to slip his hand under my shorts, (I'm only giving the "nitty-gritty" details,because I feel like 7 years later maybe I'm overreacting,and maybe someone can tell me if I am or not.) and considering we were in a pool, I didn't have any panties on underneath. I don't remember why I didn't exactly ,I just know I regret it everyday.
He began to touch,and fondle and I think the word is "digitally penetrate" me. I wanted to cry, I want to cry now because, there were all of these people around including my siblings, and no one stopped him,or even noticed.
I squirmed a lot, but I don't think that did anything to phase him. He was holding my lower body under the water, to hide what he was doing I think. He just kept touching me, and then I felt something poke into my back. Backthen I didn't know what it was, but of course now I know, it makes me feel even worse knowing.
He rubbed himself against me,and by then I know I was crying silently, a tactic I learned to master years after.
"You silly stupid obedient girl" he said again "you like this don't you?"
I shook my head,because of course, I wasn't supposed to speak.and I was taught not to lie. I Hate myself for this, and this is the part of the day that haunts me more than anything else, that my body reacted the it did. I was EIGHT YEARS OLD. I wasn't supposed to know about those feelings,sensations, and definitely not what it felt like to have someone of the opposite sex do practically everything but have sex with me.
He made me touch it over the cloth of his trunks with my hand. I didn't know what I was touching,and I didn't want to know, because of the way he was breathing in my ear,and the things he was saying.I hate him. So much.
Finally the class was supposed to be wrapping up and he let me go. Just like that. Just another threat,and then he was gone. I didn't want to move, but I did anyway. I got out of the pool with my siblings,and pretended that everything was okay from that day forward,and years on.
I'd like to think that I used to be talkative, kind, and open to meeting new people. But after that I didn't trust like I used to. I am always uncomfortable around males, even, I'm said to admit, my own father and brothers. It hurts because I know they'd never do anything to hurt me,especially now that I was molested. But I'm terrified of them sometimes.
Sometimes it's hard to get in the same vehicle alone with my own father. And when a guy speaks to me out of the blue, even a simple Hi, I can't help but think that he has other motives. Because why else would he notice me.
Just a few days ago, I was at the library,and I was signing in to get use a computer,and this guy was done with his,so he offered to let me use it so I wouldn't have to get another one and wait for it to turn on. He was kind,and he smiled. But I just stood there staring at him, frozen. Why was he speaking to me? What was he going to do. Finally I had to snap myself out of it because he seemed like he needed to get going. So I took the card and muttered a soft thank you,and skittered away.
I don't like small spaces anymore. I have trouble hugging my own family members- male and female- and I don't sleep well anymore, because when I close my eyes, I'm afraid I'll have another nightmare.
I'm failing math because He asked me what my favorite subject was, and I answered him. At the time it WAS math,I enjoyed studying,and learning new things in math, and he told me he loved math too. And just that simple comment turned me off of math. I skipped math (homeschooled) everyday from then on for 6 years,and my test results showed it, but I don't think my mother thought that it had anything other to then thte fact that I needed to study harder. And now I'm in highschool,and I know math is important, but six years of skipping math leaves a person not knowing how to do long division, basic percentage work, and other things I so desperately need.
I don't even like hearing my nickname anymore because he knew what it was, and he even called me that,and I hate hearing it now. And I feel so stupid for feeling that way, but I do.
I can barely speak to people I don't know without having to rehearse everything in my head about 14 times before I say it, because I'm afraid one wrong word and they'll find some way to hurt me. I don't even know why he "picked me".
I suppressed those memories for so long that at some point I actually forgot his face, and his name. So even if we tried to find him we wouldn't be able to. I hate hate hate myself for letting this happen, and letting him control my life or so long when he isn't even hear.
My mother and I believe that bottling this instant up for so long cause some health problems I've had in the past; Migraines; Puking for two weeks,and being unable to eat anything; and my depression.
I he's the reason I have my insomnia.
I guess.my question is. It's been seven years, is this normal for me to let what happened control my life the way it has? Do I need professional help?
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Theuntruthfulcake
Thank you Rin.that.means a lot.
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Theuntruthfulcake
First off, I am by no means a professional therapist or anything close.
Yes, you need professional help, but know this isn't your fault. What happened all those years wasn't your fault. You were a child who trusted in adults, and that one adult failed you. You are doing the best you can with what you have. And honestly, you are amazing. I don't have to know you to know you are a wonderful person. I know it's hard for you to trust people, you're probably looking at my words and being skeptical about it. That is okay. That is your defensive mechanism kicking in to try to protect yourself from danger. Regardless, the only thing I wish for you is to talk to a therapist for your own sake.

Nobody deserves to ever go through what you went through. I will pray and will good vibes your way.
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rinnamix