honestly, i don't understand why i feel heartbroken about her. after all, it's not like i really felt like she was 'the one', especially the past few months. with the discussions and arguments we had i kept thinking 'this might not be an ideal relationship for me or her'.

and then there's the fact that we barely saw each other lately, and i didn't consider that a problem at all. Why is it suddenly a problem now that we've owned up to the fact that our relationship was rapidly going down the drain anyway, and broke up?

i guess it's the fact that she's taken it so easy. No tears, no 'i miss you', just cold dead silence. That's the only thing that's hurting my heart at the moment, and it's the least dynamic feeling ever. Songs trigger melancholia, these random attacks of memory-sadness that somehow includes certain eras i considered dead, that don't even have anything to do with my time with her.

what i do with my free time has barely changed, excepting that one day in the week or so we used to hang out. What's the problem? Just the fact that she doesn't seem to really give a f**k about the whole thing. A several-year relationship, doesn't just end like that imo, but for her it does apparently.

But the fact that the relationship is gone can not bother me any more than the fact that it was there used to bother me, the nagging subtle feeling that something awful is in the process of happening -- feeling like you just witnessed a murder, and you're not sure whether or not to inform the police.

Because really, i doubted my love of her for such a long time that it's actually an insult to self to suddenly sulk over the loss of this girl. Why do I feel this way? lmao