Was I?

I kind of have this feeling that I was molested as a child by my father.But the thing is, I don't remember any of it.I just have a feeling.It sounds like I'm trying to victimize myself, but it kind of makes sense to me.I can't explain it.I was into masturbating very young, probably sometime in early elementary school...and I have a problem with guys touching me, non-sexually.Like, shoulder or something.I'd even cry or get really defensive when someone hit me on my butt, like even as a "Baseball" kind of thing.Just recently have I learned to get over it...I also believe I have some sort of nervousness disorder...

I'm going to a gyno in September or October because of college, and I'm scared to ask, but I also want to know.My dad would sort of get angry when I would be sensitive changing in front of him.I'd want to go into a different room, but he would say something around the lines of "I've seen you come out of your mother, what difference does it make to you?" This probably most recently happened in early middle school.

There's also another theory I'm kind of working on.When I was a child, my mother was suicidal, or so I think.I may have imagined what she was thinking, but as a child, I don't believe I did.She hated my father.She wanted to get a way, he was physically abusive and also very emotionally abusive towards my mother.She took me to the San Francisco bridge, or some sort of bridge around my area where my father had a workshop.She had tried to find this area where you could drive cars off the bridge and she said that she would have my uncle pick me up.No one knew where she was talking about.I'm not sure if this was something from my vivid imagination, me piecing together perhaps conversation, but I do remember a lot of this.

There was also another event that occurred...I don't remember what, but I do remember that my mother was really pissed off at my older siblings.She took all of the eating utensils that had sharp points, including all of the knives, gathered us all into a room, and said to stab her with the utensils if we really wanted her to die (from stress, maybe?).I remember I was crying a lot.

I'm kind of thinking that maybe what my mother did prompted me towards becoming suicidal.I knew that when my mother was in high school, she also thought about suicide.She took all the pills from her house and contemplated it, but didn't.She may have not directly influenced me, but I'm sure that somehow, those events are linked to me and my psychological makeup.

I'm kind of scared- if I go to a psychologist at my university that I will go to, would he deem me as unstable? Would I get labeled on my record? Am I just imagining all of this?

I hope that one day, I will be able to talk about this with my mother or family, but at the same time, if I do approach them with this topic, would they just stare at me weird and shun me? I'm so uncertain about the social correctness of this, and I'm not sure what to do...
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Penguin
I am so sorry that you are disturbed about these vague happenings.You seem like a smart and strong person and am sure you'd get by through anything .All i can suggest that try not to make these memories vivid,if they are under veil then let them be.Focus on your future prospects and develop them as the base for your happiness.
Takecare.
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gul
Well I believe you, things like that you don't imagine for no reason. And seeing as your father got so angry when you didn't want to change infront of him, well, that kind of gives it away...

I'm sorry you've had to go through this and that it's giving you no rest. Maybe instead of going to a shrink, you could sit down with a really close friend/family member and talk to them about it. Then, if you don't feel any relief or feel you need to, you can go see your campus psychiatrist.
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Napalm
First off, I'm very sorry that you had to go through some of this stuff. It all seems pretty strange, and you can't just accuse family members of doing horrible things, but I understand how you feel.
I hope that you find someone to talk to about it, the University counselor is there for a reason, tell them how you feel! If you don't want to go there, talk with a friend or maybe find another counselor? I'm not much help with this, but I hope things go okay...
Smile, love.
x3
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x3