The Eternal Loser

As if this isn't already hard enough on me.

I just had a disheartening conversation about my future living arrangements. This time, there was no open mind whatsoever about being in the livingroom, the brightest spot in the house that NO ONE EVER EVER USES except to vacuum the collecting dust. And, for why? For possible company that they might have, but never ever do. Any company they ever do have, which is never anyone outside of family, just congregates in the kitchen or visits the separate rooms that they actually occupy and use as livingrooms. Okay, okay, fine, it's not my house, whatever, yada yada yada, moving on. So, then the POS dark-as-hell dungeon basement thing? Someone already lives in the one bedroom that's down there, that's cool, I don't mind a bit, because it'd be easy to make the rest of it or even a half or a quarter of it into a living space for myself, and I would prefer that, to be absolutely honest. But, there's some issue with that, too, because that's a livingroom for someone else, and for reasons unknown, you can't move that person, and apparently, you can't move the other person who made another room, the second brightest room in the house, yet another separate livingroom for herself.

What pisses me off is that an open mind and can-do attitude was initially presented to me and pretended to be had, when in reality, the homeowners aren't willing to make any changes to their ways at all in order to make this doable, let alone liveable or comfortable. Not only do I have to battle with my own personal barriers about my "ways", but I have to battle with theirs too. And, I doubt it's "theirs", just "hers". I can see 4 possible living spaces for myself in that house that no one actually needs, 2 of which nobody touches at all and only use for storage of useless crap, but the heck if I suggest turning these spaces of junk into a living area for myself. Too weird and obscene or something, as opposed to a couple that spends their waking days in separate floors of the house and takes up a third entirely separate room to sleep in? Like, f*****g come on! Instead, I'm am to be thrown into the place that I hate most of all, the place that I spent 28 initial years in, feeling trapped and caged. The miserable room of horrors where I suffered the pits of deep, dark, and horrible double d from dysthymia for years. All I remember from that room is nothing but crying and misery and hurt. And, I have to be forced to be stuffed in there again, right in the middle of everyone's traffic and business. That's not enough privacy for me! That's not enough space for me! I'm weeping right now at the thought of this. I thought that the rent asked for was a bargain, at about a hundred and fifty dollars less than what I originally wanted and asked to pay, but to be stuffed in that room as opposed to anywhere else in that house that no one is using, now seems much too expensive.

And, I'm angry. Oh, wow. Am I EVER very VERY angry, right now. I'm angry at many, many people. I shouldn't even be forced to leave my apartment at all in the first place! It's not fair! It's f*****g not fair! I DID MY DUTY! I was loyal! I was honest and trustworthy! I was goooo-ooo-oooood! I broke no promises! I did not take up with anyone under false pretenses! Yet, I have to now suffer for those who did, to those who had lied, betrayed, and flat-out literally robbed me and continue to rob me, as they live their happy little contemptible lives at my absolute expense. I wouldn't be in this apartment at all right now in the first place, if not for them. I worked hard, the jobs that allowed affordability to stay here, I loved and did better than very well at, and was fired from them anyway! I work even harder now at the detestable job I have, which I had to take as a result, but knew wouldn't financially sustain me as an independent. And, now that day of unafforability has reached its climax without reward, without some last-minute parachute or hero or rescue of some kind to avoid having to upset and uproot my entire life and go. NO REPRIEVE! Nothing for being loyal. Nothing for being hard working. Nothing for being reliable and trustworthy, good, loving, sweet, and dedicated. Just s**t on. Just forced to endure crappyassed people who put me in this position.

F**k you all. F**k every single last one of you. May your souls sop up every last drop of hardship and falseness that you have spilled upon me. NOW I consider this a step backwards, as I prepare to move myself into what I fear and hate.
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Mopy
No, it's really not. Not for more than an hour or two. Just a reactive and defying tantrum in response to accumulating frustrations regarding crappy situation and circumstance.

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Mopy
that's the spirit
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nihilistic