I talked to Tom about what I was going on about last night. He thinks, as I hope, that I'll get back to my creative endeavors once I'm occupied with work. He thinks I'm too bored, so my mind has basically become used to it, and doesn't really care to do much else. In the back of my mind, there are too many things going on like worrying about money and unemployment, and I'm thinking too much of things I need to do, so I can't fully relax. My being creative when I'm high or drinking, confirms this theory for him, as being altered makes me relaxed enough to forget about these things.

In other words, he's not worried, and thinks that I'll mostly get back to myself once I've eliminated a few barriers and bettered my situation.

As for the ex factor, Tom agrees that he's not to blame, but that something in his leaving must have changed who I am. He couldn't offer any more suggestions of what it could be. Now, this is the real problem, and it has been for all these years. I simply changed completely when Matt eliminated himself from my life, and I just can't figure out what it is that struck me so deeply or how to get the hell back to myself. I've come at this every which way I can, from so many angles, and it does me no permanent good. Before Matt left, I would have never been on a site like Secrettalk, doling out some of the attitude I do. I used to be so very sweet and kind, and any kind of abrasiveness bothered and shocked me. Now, I can be a real fucking asshole with a great big temper. I never understood it or why it happened all of a sudden, and it has bothered me from the first day I noticed it. I really don't like it. I've lost people more important to me than him before, so, wtf?