This has been going on for too long. It's actually quite feverish, this fear, and I don't understand it. I evade paying my bills, I avoid looking at my bank balance at all costs. It wasn't always like this! I used to be so good with my money, but then again, I used to have some. But, this is killing me. I can't ignore it and pretend that the problem isn't there. I don't even know how big of a problem it is, because I won't look at it, but that's so stupid! It's not going to fix itself by NOT monitoring it, so looking or not looking, it's not going to make any difference. Except, if I do monitor, I can see where things are going to go and prepare, be on top of it, see how much to budget or what life changes I need to make before I'm in too much trouble. Not monitoring and not knowing, I live in deceit of what I can and can't afford and how to live my life. I'm probably doing this because I know the situation is bad and that I have to make some big changes that I do not want to make AT ALL, and I don't want to start acting on them.
But, I don't have a choice, and can't fight myself on it. I just saw my balance two weeks ago. I know I've spent very little since, and now have a paycheque deposited. It should be better news (unless that previous balance was before a rent cheque was taken out, which would make things even worse). I'm sitting here, just over-procrastinating, gearing up to check my account, but am fretting and nervous, like going through job search. I hate this. F**k.