He said Im the sun, but if he gets too close he gets burned. Im a sun in a desert location. A land where I grow flowers alone and water them with emotion. I have no blame to assign, all my fingers point at me and my palms to your divine. If I was your center then you were the universe of my containment. The unseen veins of order, the gravity that that squeezed me into myself, until the dark matter finally showed itself. Tears. If it were poison I feel like it was misunderstood. I do not want to see. I want to remain blind and to beg. To degrade myself. Love is oppression, supression. To see through everything, let go, and then feel the burden of one's own heart. Lingering, loving. Love? Longing. Closure? Taking a safety pin to prick and pick, unearth the pain again that floats in water, oil the grease on your wheels. Keep going. I stopped trying today. I disappeared. I looked at them and through them. I dissociated and didnt realize. Was I there. Was I real. Was he? Were we? Life feels like a black hole. The bottom unknown. I never tossed a penny to see how far it would go. I make no sense. I am impressed with a stuffed animal I hug to sleep. Did he exist? Did I? Do I? Orphan! Orphan.