Yick. What a time for my period to start!
He was cool about it. He's been cool and great about a lot, lately, and it's been going on long enough for me to start letting go of my death grip on certain things. I've been making a lot of changes in my life, for the better. He has taken notice of all of it, and gone so far as to tell me how proud he is of me. He's been getting closer to me, more affectionate, kissing me in bed, hugging me more, upping the pet names, caring about my day more and calls me out if I skimp on the details. I've been more openly myself with him, saying what I want, doing what I want. In my life, my personality is establishing strongly, kind of going back in ways that I like, while also maintaining what I've freshly adopted. I'm going to unleash Amy all the way on this kid, and I don't care of the consequences. I hope he's ready for it and can take it!
The other night, I discovered that I have a secret too big to be revealed on Secrettalk. The truth of this secret scares me so much that I cried and cried when I realized it. I don't WANT this to be the truth, but it is. It's not what you think. It's actually an essentially GOOD thing in spirit and holiness, but topically and for this physical world, potentially bad and dangerous for me. It makes me completely vulnerable. And, no one can know how vulnerable I am.
But, if I am to be truly happy in this living world, I need hope and innocence to forever be a part of me. And, I have to be pure in heart and soul in order to be that way. No matter if I know better, no matter if I'm alone in this, no matter how much people will hurt and destroy me because I am this. I won't let it go. I can't. The secret I have, I hate it. I hate that it's true, but, I know that it's spiritually right and good. It's simply who I am, and it's what I've always been, in the very bowels of what I am, stripped entirely of everything else. So many people in the past three years have called me an angel. I was too busy wondering if there was a monster in me to accept that as anything but these people being deceived. No, they weren't. They just were able to see right away what I really am at a time when I didn't know who I was, anymore.
This will affect Derek and I in the fact that I'm going to just completely let go with him. I'm done holding back and protecting myself. I may not be in love with him and may not let myself be again, but I'm going to give him a chance to let himself go with me, too, if and when he wants to. What I can't do, though, is let him be my sole focus, like I've done in all relationships in my past. He's going to have to remain a side-show, and an addition to the main attraction. I must keep myself, my goals, my dreams, my progress, top priority. Not for protection from him and heartbreak, but to be the best Amy I can be, not only for myself, but for everyone else in the world, including Derek.