Oh, To Not Have Been Born

Such a cliche wish, but really. My parents only got married because my mom was preggers, but not with me, a couple miscarriages came first.

I absolutely loathe myself on days like today. Inconsistently speckled with good times, but ending horribly. I wish I could just disappear, to sort of make up for my being born in the first place.

Disappearing is really my favorite defense mechanism- every time there's a conflict in my life (in retrospect, this only happens after the exact same conflict that's been sadly consistent for years) and I've said my bit and been shot down, I do this weird nesting thing. I scurry away, clean up my stuff, gather my favorite things closest to me, curl up in my bed or a corner in a closet and do everything I can to make myself happy again, avoiding humanity and staying in a pathetic fetal position until the next morning.

You know, because I'm such a functional, ambitious person with a go-get-em attitude.

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That's exactly why my mother got married.
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My opinion doesn't matter very much, but I'm happy you were born.
When I was a week old, my parents once placed me and my baby carrier on top of our station wagon to adjust the seatbelt.
They then promptly forgot what they were doing, got into the car, and headed down the road. With me still on the roof.
Luckily they had a roof rack which saved my asÅ›, and they only got about a mile before numerous screaming pedestrians got their attention.

And now I'm here.

Everything happens for a reason. Including you being born.
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