I've placed myself in a pickle long ago, and due to my own cowardice, I'm forced to stay in said pickle until such a time as I gather enough balls to have a simple conversation. It's always been this way with him. I can be frustrated upside down and until my brain near explodes with this boy, but if I weren't just a ridiculous fraidy cat, my long-term confusion and this situation could instantly be cleared up. No one else, not even HIS friends can really clear this up for me.

He becomes more affectionate everyday. I am very much part of his routine. I have the spare key to his apartment (which had been previously passionately off limits to anyone), and he wants me to have it, doesn't mind letting me use it and letting me chill at his place when he's not there. We often spoon when sleeping. He now has taken to petting and stroking my hair. We mostly eat dinners together more often then not. For months and months now, he texts me every morning before I get to work, just to wish me a good day. If he's ever around for it, he'll often offer and drive me to and from work. Two nights ago, on his own accord, he asked me if I wanted to do anything for Valentine's Day. I was so floored that he even recognized it, as he otherwise can't seem to stand romance and mushy gooey stuff, that I didn't even get an answer out before he switched the topic.

But, there is no conversation to back up these things as meaning a dang thing. That's on me. It all could mean absolutely nothing, or it could mean more than I think I even want. I don't know if I want to know. The sex is still disconnected though constant, I'm still introduced as his "neighbour", some conversations are still vague, I am constantly wary and on my guard as to his social behaviour, his lack of disclosure. I am always at least at an arm's length away from being connected the way everyone else important to his life is. I still feel the rejection. We are still mysteries to each other, but it's strange that we are, considering how long we've been at this and how close we are in the domestic sense. I'm technically going on the only conversations we ever had regarding us and feelings/emotions/love/relationship, which happened before this started and has not been updated in almost a year. So, his sentiments from those discussions MAY be out of date, his actions now MAY suggest they are out of date. But, because I'm a coward, all I do is figuratively pull my hair out and frustrate those who I trust enough and who will suffer through listening to this crap. But, will not dare discuss it with him. All the while, I honour and go by the technicality of what had been previously said, what isn't being said now, and even if his actions are screaming the opposite of it, even if he seems like he's slowly coming around and warming up, I refuse to let that take stock, refuse to trust it.

Nothing's new about this. It's the same old: I have no guts to either kick this situation to the curb or initiate a discussion with him about it. Just re-confirming to myself that I'm being useless about this. But, at least I'm starting to spend a little less time with him, only the times when we would otherwise watch crap movies together or I'd watch him play video games. Only the times we aren't interacting. However, I'm taking the time away from him to basically do things with him in mind. Even cleaning up my own place is mostly done with intentions of him. I'm taking up visual art, again. But, guess who appears on my canvas.