The drugs are gone, the self-destruct and disrespect is over. The distraction is still welcomed, as what is left without it is what was there before. Nothing is better, but nothing about the distraction is much better, either. It tries to be better. The snuggling is more frequent, the talks are more direct. The friendship gets deeper, the situation is completely domestic and routine. But, without the drugs and crappy self-worth, there's nothing that turns me on about the still casual and disconnected sex.
And, honestly, there's nothing better out there. If I end this situation, as I know I must, I'm back to the same state of grieving and being assailed and driven mad by unanswered questions and unresolved matters. God, I'm so sick of that! This is why I endure Derek. He's something to do besides pacing, torturing my mind, weeping. And, I'll be leaving him for no one waiting in the wings, nor no one waiting in the future halls of love.
Although we spoke the other day of how much of a difference there is in me since the summer, and that it's great, but along with being too good for greeting people beaver first anymore, it also now means I'm too good for this situation, too. I just don't want what awaits on the other side, should I end this. But, it's starting to become just as much of a burden as what awaits on the other side.