There is so much going on, especially internally. The way I obsess is scary, but I'm actually glad it happens. Because, I can't settle, I become feverishly focused and it's like a sickness. I run myself to the ground, neglect everything but what I'm obsessed about, but always, somewhere from out of pure exhaustion and duress, comes a huge revelation that releases a mental pressure valve. And, this one opened the right can of worms.
Being obsessed with this thing after the blowup with kid, I stumbled upon something that, although was supposed to be advice about relationships, I linked to my life struggles. Backtrack. If things aren't working, go back to a time when they were. I've been basically doing this in action all of 2017, reverting to childhood, not realizing fully why. So, as I was getting back to more old interests, last week, in the middle of this, I linked one of them to my movement block, what's happening now, and that bit of advice.
I have hit upon a catalyst to my movement block, and the answers to why I have it are emerging, which is major. I have also turned a mirror on myself that shows me that I'm not the woman of value I thought I was, and understanding why every relationship I ever had has failed because of this. I've been a female SIMP since my teens, leading me to be a thot, and I didn't know it. In fact, I didn't know either of those terms until this week. I can't really get into it, right now, there's so much I've discovered only within a week, and I'm just skimming the surface. I didn't realize that I had self-esteem issues and have had them for an indefinite amount of time. That I might have been using relationships and love as a distraction from living my dreams, as they came easy to me, felt rewarding, and therefore, I focused on them and ultimately placed more importance on them than my dreams and goals. There's so much more that I'm discovering than that, and there's so much more to delve into. But, it must be done. If I'm going to make something of myself and be truly happy, it must.
I thought that with the disaster of nearly four years ago and the growth from that, that a fully-grown woman emerged. I was wrong. I changed and grew in many ways, yes, but also not at all. I have a ways to go, and it's not going to be fun, but it's starting. I will not succeed right away. It's going to take trial and many errors, but this is the challenge of my life, the fight for my life.
So, when I didn't receive one word from Derek since my blast to him, over a week ago, and tonight my phone rings and it's him, even though I had admittedly been waiting for it (although the anticipation for it was starting to die down), it seemed so absurd, so long ago. I didn't mean for my sausage finger to hit the answer button. But, I didn't say anything. I let him just keep saying "hello" until he hung up. I'm not even curious as to what he had to say or wanted, just more worried that he's going to try sucker me back. I don't need him testing my weak will, because I know that just because I discovered a few things about myself, that I'm done with my game on him and his game on me, doesn't yet mean that I've changed anything, yet, that I couldn't still cave. It's actually worse that I have learned what I have within this week, because it makes me that much more vulnerable and susceptible, actually scared of being lured away from growing into the kind of woman that an equally grown man comes prepared for. More over, the woman and person I always wanted to be.