That's why I'm posting my story, as a young adult male with a history of being molested, I'm hoping to inspire even just one man into coming to terms with his abuse.
My mother was seventeen when she met my father, he was around twenty six.My mother moved in with him before she was an adult, and a year later I was conceived.They got married, as people usually do in that situation.My father was a horrible alcoholic, and a meth addict.My mother left him when I was eight months old because of neglect and his addictions.What followed was an awful custody battle, and an infant with separation anxiety.My earliest memories are of a "monster" coming to take me away and my mom wouldn't help me.I now understand she couldn't, especially since she had no idea what took place when I was with him, and that the "monster" was my father.As far as physical abuse, my father never beat me severely.He was more into emasculating a four year old boy, locking him in dark closets, tying him up.The physical abuse was more bullying tactics, ie charlie horses, indian burns, etc.
The molestation started when I was three, maybe four.The first thing I remember is taking a shower with my dad, and thinking his penis was really big.Now I know it's because it was fully erect.
What I remember after that was more showers with him, where he "Washed my peepee" and had me do the same to him.This continued for a while until I didn't really question it, at which point he began to experiment with putting fingers inside of me.My face pressed against the wall, the water raining down on me, and I was screaming.I remember thinking it hurt so badly, and I remember focusing on the water so it wouldn't hurt as much.Then I started to have nocturnal accidents, I would wet the bed, I would shit the bed, I would even vomit in my sleep.And all of it led to more showers with my father.
I never spoke a word to anyone but it should have been obvious, (I was unnaturally obsessed with sex for my age, I knew more about it than most teenagers did, I stuck my finger in our cat's butt at age five, plus all the emotional issues I had).At one point, while grocery shopping with my father, I tried to tell people I had been kidnapped.I was terrified of him.I was never raped, he never ejaculated and I believe it is because of how homophobic he is.It would have meant that he was "gay" as opposed to being a "pedophile", in his mind.Somehow he thought the latter was better.Aside from all of this, I also suffer from headaches, and the back of my skull is flattened from a concussion he gave me when I was six.I haven't seen him in over a year, last I heard from my half brother is that his house is covered in dog feces, it's trashed, he drinks himself into a coma every night, and he's all alone.There is some sort of divine justice at play here.
I'm at the end of working through the abuse of my father and I no longer see myself as a victim, instead, I see how strong I really am.I understand why most men won't come to terms with what has happened to them, they don't want to feel like victims, they don't want to feel weak.
My friends, you are not weak.You're a survivor.
You are so strong, you have to see that you are.
Your innocence was stolen from you and you're still living.
My thoughts are with all of you.