I ruined my fathers good credit because I can't handle being a responsible adult. My credit score is not welcome at the banks. My confidence is extremely low, and I have let my present living conditions define who I am today for which I fought so hard to accept when I was a cheerful college student.
My parents helped me through my years in college whenever I needed rent and food money. And when I lost my suv and didn't have a ride to class, they gave me their income tax money to purchase another car so I can visit them every other month. I cried because I felt that they were my giving trees.
My dear parents are so humble and kind, but it hurts me that i can't seem to help them live a better life because they have lived in a dilapidated trailer with no hot water for 8 years. We boil the water in a large cast iron pot on an electric camping stove because we don't have a stove. Sometimes we boil the water outside. During the winter seasons, the trailer becomes an ice chest and it becomes very difficult to use the clean water to keep ourselves clean. The floors are made of cheap and stale wood. The walls are made of cheap 70s wood paneling giving the interior a dark and unwelcoming look. There's only one working toilet that is in a separate room from the shower. The electric wiring and outlets are in despair because we can't afford to fix them. At night, we use flash lights to move from one room to another. But this can't seemed to change and I blame myself for all of this.
I presently live with them and I've lived in the trailer for 3 years. It's like living a 3rd world country. None of my close friends or acquaintances know my living conditions. If you were to see me in public, you would guess I came from a wealthy family, but it's all an illusion. I am well traveled and culturally aware with an appreciation to nature and the arts.
When I was in college, I refused to tell my rich friends who I was because I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. I did a very good job of hitting it, but it was costing my self-confidence because I couldn't escape this false illusion that I came from wealthy parents. Now, I live in this environment I profoundly refused to accept as my calling because I had faith in my expensive bachelors degree that I worked so hard to obtained.
The sad part of this situation is that I have been very depressed and I've lost my confidence in becoming better because I can't help my parents move out of this misery. I feel caged in and the banks will not approve a new fully functional trailer. If I leave my parents right now, I will feel guilty that I left without fulfilling my promise I made to them when I was in college and that I was going to make all of this dark world disappear.
I am loosing hope. I am beyond sorry that I have failed my parents.