On the outside, my life seems perfect. I am a star athlete, I have a 4.0 GPA, I'm popular, and can charm my way through anything.
But on the inside, it is completely different. It all started when I had just turned 12.
I did something really stupid, probably the biggest mistake of my life, which took me into severe depression for 2 years. By severe I mean crying myself to sleep, planning and attempting to kill myself. As an innocent 12 year old. No one ever knew about this, and I don't plan on ever actually telling anyone. It seemed easier for them to not have to worry. So much happened those two years in hell, but it brought me close to The Lord, which saved my life. Literally. The sad part is, once I finally escaped from the depression, all I wanted to do was go back to it. I missed the pain. I was, and still am, addicted to emotional pain.
My life seemed to be getting better, until recently. When I was 14 I began to develop an eating disorder, and now I'm obsessed with being skinny. At 5'9, I have never weighed more than 130 lbs, but it is one of my biggest fears. I tell my loving mommy that I'm just eating clean and healthy, which I am. Just 1000-2000 calories less than 'clean and healthy' that my body needs, while exercising like crazy, to please my burning desire to be better than everyone else.
I've always had troubles focusing on school, so I discovered pills and love how they make me feel. I pop them, snort, parachute, whatever. I'm addicted to pills because in my mind, I can't focus without them. They make me happy. I'm a 15 year old dependent on pills. And a plus, I loose my appetite so I eat less!! If I had access to cocaine, I would do that. But I don't, and for my sake hopefully never will.
I have a life that most people dream and thrive to have. My family is loving and supportive, the idea of the "perfect" American family. They spoil me just enough that it doesn't get to my head. My life is lined up for me. College is paid for, I'm have so many connections through my parents, and I plan on going to my dream school to study business and hold onto my family's success. I have the best friends a girl could ask for, boys drooling over me left and right, a perfect honors student and superstar athlete. I'm involved with so much, and I love The Lord with all my heart. I wish I could do for him what he has done for me.
People always say, when you want to stop you will stop. When you want to change you will change. But the sad part is, I love my life. Just the way it is. I love the pain it brings me. I love the mystery behind it. I love what my real image is. I don't want to kill myself because there's no starving yourself or popping pills in heaven (or hell...) and my life seems like a movie. So unreal, perfect on the outside but f-d up on the inside. ( I don't swear, I have a classy image to keep.)
I'm a sinner, I know I am. I pray to God every night for forgiveness, although I feel like he is loosing hope in me. I lie about so much. The few people I don't lie too are the ones that I just avoid telling my problems too. I have far too much pride in myself.
So instead of fixing my life, I'm typing this, as I'm shaking from mixing drugs, not being able to feel my hands, hoping tonight I don't die so I can continue to live what, sadly my idea is of, my perfect life.
I'm 15 years old, dependent on drugs, anorexic, previously suicidal and depressed, and love every second of it.
To all the comments referring to how how stupid and screwed up I am and how I need to stop complaining- I understand this. I try to be a good person but sometimes you just can't try any harder. Judge me if you choose, just remember that we all sin in different ways. We all have screwed up at one point or another. I'm not looking for any sympathy, at all. I just needed to express.