For the second time in 11 years here, I was iced in, today. I had an alternate exit, so it wasn't an emergency, but there are issues with using that other exit, so it's not trusty.

The other occasion was 3 years ago, around this same exact date, just months before Derek moved in, and it was my neighbour before him who got me out with a hammer. I was kinda amused that this time, it was Derek, my neighbour after her, banging his way up the steps with a mallet to do the same thing for me, tonight. He wanted me to come over tonight, but I had stuff in the slow cooker that he gave me for Christmas, first time using it.

We don't see each other as much as we did before the New Years fallout. It was a couple of weeks after that and no contact with each other, that he came relentlessly sniffing around and barged himself back into my orbit. We see each other maybe once a week now, and sleep together even less frequently. That's enough. We are both busy and have lots going on and coming up. Never mind that I figured out that too much time together confuses me about us and is hurtful for me.

But, it's a dangerous time right now, because I've been sad for the past few days or so, not having a sweetheart, someone who loves and adores me. There was an incident at work on Friday involving an irate customer that made it quite crappy to come home to no one to hold and love and love me back. I would say that was the crappiest part about the whole ordeal. That, and I just feel like I've never been truly loved and I'm not feeling okay about that right now, not with what's going on with me and the life change ahead.

So, in a stupid and dangerous attempt to feel better about it, I can feel my little broken heart trying to adopt Derek as my sweetheart again, just like it will if we spend too much time together again, as proven time over. Nah, it's good that we aren't seeing each other much. He's actually kind of a cool friend, generally decent person, great in his own way, being a better friend to me, and he's going to be a really helpful and handy resource for a few projects coming up in the near future. It would be really nice if I could just wrap my weeny little mind and emotions around that and not screw it up by pushing a romantic agenda that is never going to happen. It's not complicated until I make it that way. He's my hero, tonight, and my friend, but he isn't my love. I just have to keep remembering this and do what I need to keep myself real about it.