I awaken feeling lonely, my last recollection being that of tears shed caressing me slowly to sleep.The other side of the bed is a cold void in your absence and I lay desperate in a shivering ball, apathetic.I do not rise, I stare longingly at the undisturbed pillow that rests blissfully beside me, just as you never could.I have not eaten in days, my appetite more barren than the hottest deserts, I begin to cry once again and drift into an aqueous state of sleepless slumber...

I foolishly allow my mind to wander down the path of our past together - we were so happy.Hazy visions of our smiling faces appear in my regretful memory, we laugh, we kiss, we stare longingly into eachothers eyes.I see love.Suddenly, like a crashing wave has swept my thoughts to sea, I am lost.I now remember the gut-wrenching horrors that assailed our companionship.I weep and scream into the unforgiving night sky.My love for you was true, the only thing in my pathetic contorted life I could count on and yet still that vanished not unlike the other joys in stumbled across.Am I so toxic that I poison myself?

My eyes snap open for reasons unknown and I am done with my illusion of sleep for tonight.Again I notice the frigid emptiness of my bed and a lone tear trickles down my face, so gracefully it would seem to be a beautiful moment, this sparkling tear slides across my pale cheek and just avoids the crease of my lips before it crashes magnificently onto my lap.The essence of emotion displayed as a insignificant splotch on my pajamas.And for what? Self loathing and pity consume my thoughts and brief visions of violence and aggression infect my mind incessantly.I have brought this upon myself I fear, I fear that I will not recover this time.

Lurking just beneath the surface is a blackness sought only by the darkest of evils, sought only by me.I will never forgive myself for the utter disarray I plunged you into as I tore our entire life to shreds before your eyes and spat on the remnants.My miserable mind tortures me like no satanic demon could even imagine and still I breathe, I inhale life into my hollow, heartless shell.My guiltiness extends beyond you my forsaken lover, it extends to the future as well, I now fear my own toxicity and do not wish to unleash my demons upon innocent victims.I long for affection, I ache for intimacy and yet anyone incredible enough to ensnare me is only another victim to me; your innocent beauty does not deserve the terrors within me.

Condemned by self judgement to fight my blackness unaided, this plagues my soul indefinitely as I keep my lovely new acquaintance at arms length as to not destroy all the perfection I see.The midnight fog creeps through the yard and my weighing head meets open hands to help support this burden in my mind.My long unheld hand covers my eyes in a pitiful attempt to forget my sorrows.Should I just end everything now like the coward I am? Forgive me, for I am broken, more useless than record with no player; full of potential beauty yet with no tools to decipher my cryptic mind I lay collecting dust of ages.Forgive me.Please...Please forgive me; I speak now to myself.

I have so much to give, please fight my instinct to keep you away, fight my instinct to protect you and protect me -- both of us -- from myself.Today is a bad day.I know you can tell.You want to help but I lock my doors and shield myself from your loving intrusion.Defy me.Be the strength I never had.I want only one thing...

I want to love again.