This world is askew for me, I'm having trouble processing. It's gotta be me, but I don't want it to be. But, suddenly, this place is absurdly over-populated. Like, even just looking out the window, often the first thing I see in this remote place is people. Everywhere I go, it has to be littered with people. Not just that, but they seem to HAVE to socialize, and I'm forced to be subjected to it and (of all absolute annoyances) engage in it. It's not good enough to mind your own business, you buggers are in your face about this crap and won't let a lone bug be. DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TELL YOU NOT TO TALK TO STRANGERS? It's not like I've ever been warm about people, but I've never been this repellent of them. I find myself detesting sharing my earth with random humans. This better be because of the nature of my job. I don't like it, and I find it subsides with a couple of days off in a row. What I know that isn't due to my job and what doesn't subside, is just how shallow and unimportant and wasteful and idle I find are these conversations and socialization that the humans around me have. Every breath spoken seems like wasted energy that surely could be saved for more important things. Like, for example, providing me with a peaceful thinking environment, so I may ponder things that are actually interesting or important. No one who talks so much about crap has been through anything poignant in their lives, nothing REALLY has obviously ever happened to them, nothing anyone says matters, so they should say nothing and only exist around me in silence.
It may be due to this that my hearing has been off for a few years. I have a hard time hearing anything anyone says, while most people have a hard time hearing anything I say. I know that hearing over background noise is a part of the problem for me, but it doesn't seem right that it'd be this much of an issue. What I can tune out and silence around me is astounding. Am I making a choice, is it in my head or will?
And, now to the flipside of my social detestation. As much as people are repellent, I am hugely into love and romance and coupledom. I don't need or want lots of people in my life. Friends that are fantastic best friends are great, but what I really need is just one person to focus all my humanly love and attentions and everything towards, and that's gonna be a guy who is also in love with and focused on me. And, this also where things are askew. I'm just as single now as I was 3 years ago, and I'm completely baffled. I look in the mirror and see complete win, but the opposite reflects in my love life. I'm not used to being so repellent to the opposite sex. I'm usually not single long, but this is somehow now a huge unexpected challenge. So odd. I can't even tell if I'm pretty or not. I look in the mirror and think I'm showstopping amazing, but if I were, people would be saying so, and I'd certainly be somebody's obsession by now. I am the owner of hair that gets stopped multiple times a day by anyone to be commented on how amazing it is. People are nuts about it, love it, my hair is effing famous in this town, now (I'm seriously trying to figure out how I can make money on this hair). So, if people are so willing to stop me on the street and comment so much on my hair, I'd be experiencing the same about my face that I think is wonderful, but I don't and I never have. Not to say that I'm not specially singled out by strangers for other things than my hair, but it's due to my very involuntary approachability, as I explained earlier that I am often forced to socialize. But, the love finding thing - it's just so weird now! I'm out of my element. I'm two years into the oddest, stupidest, silliest, most pathetic and degrading situations I've ever been in. Never in my previous life did I ever think this kind of situation would even dare cast shadow my doorstep for even a conversation topic between friends. Now, it's the biggest part of my life. And, I want it to end just as much as I want to see him every free moment. And, it's going to end, and it could be any moment. I don't get sexual equality. I don't get bodily or emotional closeness. I don't even get real conversation. And, I'm somehow addicted to this? Until, of course, the real thing comes around, but not even dates are coming around, no whispers of anything meaningful, and if there are whispers of attraction, it's simply for more of this casual bullcrap. Makes no bloody sense whatsoever, and is the exact opposite of what I had been used to.
There are other things. The whole lack of money thing is also another thing that's askewed. That I am unable to do the things I want, but quickly getting to an age that I am realizing that I need to do them now. I hope that I'm simply driving myself crazy in inner protest to it all, to force action sooner than later, no matter what way it happens. I need to just get the hell out of here and start over, before my craziness ends things all on its own.