But, it's not just yet.
The Derek absence still doesn't bug me much, but when time passes upon a resting subject, I tend to start thinking more about it. But, I've been busy getting myself better. Just little bits of things to start, but it is a start. Especially in the mind and my intentions for myself.
I've been recently hanging out with guys who are more my age, which is both a good and bad thing. It's terrible for my ego, as they seem to be feeling of a certain age, and speak to me as if I'm a part of this. But, I'm not quite there with them, yet. I'm not defying my age, really, I'm just not aging in a way that I can relate to being of a certain age, yet. Like, what of any physical changes are age-related, and what of my changes are from unhealthy living?
I always get my ego handed back to me by Honest Steve, who didn't want to be with me romantically in the first place because although cute to him, he didn't think I was hot enough. Even though when he met me, I was in the best shape I had been since my early twenties. Guy said to me the other day how he would have wanted to eff the crap out of me back when I was young and petite. Dude! I'm not old! But, dude, I'm not petite, either. And, though thin I was when he met me, it was due to the residuals of having starved myself from the Tom upset, not because I was healthy and fit. I was getting there with the gym and healthier eating, but those perks ended when Honda fired me and I had to take up this other job.
But, with these hours being cut back, the money I'm saving from being home, I can do again.
Since being sick, I've been feeling like crap. Plus, waking up into NuLife, I just don't like this anymore. I can start doing better. I am going to have the time and means to get fit and healthy, for once in my life, if I want to. And, you know, I think I do. Just to see what it feels like. See what optimum feels like. Maybe give my almost aging self a better chance? Because, I have so much ahead that I need that old youth and health to see me through. If I don't feel good enough to bloody-well unpack my damned belongings here, I'm not going to be able to perform at my sold-out concerts, not going to be able to share the dance I've invented to the world, not going to be able to farm and clam dig or bike the Confederation Trail in PEI. And, I'm not going to look the very best I can for when I'm walking down the red carpet towards my first Academy Award win. And, I'm curious as to what my best looks like. My frame is still youthful, and I was naturally skinny and underweight for the first 21 years of my life. I know what it used to look like. Imagine if I could look even better than that! If things are working the same as they did a couple of years ago, I know that it won't take much effort to start seeing results.
And, this is where it's going to get funny.
I was already replacing browsing for cannabis with browsing for USANA supplements and products, and was about to get some sort of rec centre gym membership. But, thinking about it, I've decided against treadmills and spinning, and remembered that I'd like to start punching the s**t out of people. So, I'm going to look into local MMA classes, instead. I can't afford to get hurt, but meh, maybe the risk can satisfy or balance whatever, if anything, is left of self-destruct mode.
And, though I'm really only doing it for me, I couldn't help but conjure that typical petty fantasy of running into Derek after I've achieved some fitness and shape and power in my life, and he goes insane over it, finally actually wants to be with me, while I don't let him get a single little piece of my beautiful NuAss let alone time of day, and for good measure, inform him exactly what for, the topical, shallow POS. LOL! Oh, I love my little fantasies. I'm glad he left me in the crappy condition I was in. I'm already better in the head since I last saw him, getting confidence, doing things, changing things. I can't imagine what I'll have personally and professionally accomplished by the time I start looking every bit the bomb I am. I expect much, to be honest. And, that's not something I'd normally be confident in saying.
Now, back to where I ACTUALLY am, at the beginning.