Killed It (not In The Good Way)

This town is small. Thank the lord. It was my first open mic and it was not my lovely guitar that was basically abused by my incompetence. The microphone sounded so nice, too. My voice radiated and sounded oh so sweet, while I apologized profusely through it.

I gave a strum or two before I set out, to make sure I was okay enough to play, but when I got up on stage, there? Fail. Complete and absolute fail. People are so polite. I asked them to stop applauding, it was so terrible. I couldn't find my way around the fretboard to save my life. The only song I could get through was a stupid jokey song by Threebrain called Fishy. It was so stupid and I made a complete and utter arse of myself. I choked, I broke, I sucked. It was mostly silence in between playing not at all the right notes.

Did I ever reveal here that I have immense stage fright or performance anxiety? Bet you never would have guessed that with all my ego and bull, huh? But, I've always had it, from piano recitals as a kid, acting on stage as a teen, to last night's first time as a grownass adult. When I was a late teen, I lost out on a speaking role in a movie and subsequently lost out at being an ACTRA union member and tons of work, and very likely, a career, because of this. It's not that I can not do it or that I'm bad. I'm actually wonderful, but can't reflect that when push comes to shove. Couple that with wine at dinner enough to make me silly and a first time experience with open mic. . . welp, nothing good came. I should have just got up there to sing without backup. I may have done better with that, but I would have ran just as much risk at forgetting words. And, that brings us to another thing that people don't know: I can't play an instrument and sing at the same time. I'm really very good, but I have so many barriers, and if you were at that stupid crap bar, last night, you would have seen me showcase all of them.

You know what, though? Here's the thing:

I did it. I was terrible, but I did it.

And, I'm going to do it again.

I had some great support last night, too. This guy who used to run open mic night. He could tell that I was good despite me being bad. Like, the mechanics were all there, the finger picking, and he saw that even though I just couldn't play. I hate that bar and that bar hates me. I don't really care if I fail there so much. It's just a suburban downtown shitdive. The other performers weren't good, either, though, they at least could get through their sucky songs. I just nose-dived.
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Mopy
Good for you.
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Cynic