Just discovered I have 75 secrets spread out over two years. 0____0 That's a bit much in the secrets department. I should get a blog or something, but I don't write often enough to make it worth it.
Anyway, I've been feeling like I kinda want to die for the past four or five days or so. I'm depressed about a lot of things. It started when my family stopped talking to me for a week because I'm having trouble finding work in my field. My field is relatively small, and I knew it would be a challenge to find work. What I didn't realize was how hard it would be!
Part of the problem is relocation isn't an option for me at this time. I live in a huge city. With such a small field, however, opportunities can be scattered far and wide.
I've decided (unlike a handful of my friends) that work outside of my field and desired pay range isn't beneath me, but my old mentor is pretty much telling me that taking a job outside of my field would be a fatal mistake. This is a guy who's been at it for over 20 years. He's a sought-after lecturer. He can get work anywhere he wants. It's different for a new master's level grad, yet he doesn't seem to comprehend this. In a lot of ways, he's fossilized.
I have a phone interview tomorrow for an unrelated position that I'm partly excited about. It pays 45K to start, and I hear there are structured opportunities for advancement and pay raises (or so says my two connections within the company). I'm finding it tough to get more enthusiastic about this opportunity. Still, I'm going to do my absolute best. A job is a job; some money is better than no money. This job is not beneath me; my brain is just f****d up.
I'm also depressed because I'm depressed. That sounds bonkers, doesn't it? But it goes like this: I feel depressed, then I feel like I shouldn't be depressed, which precipitates more depression.
But yeah, I kind of feel like killing myself.
I've had depression and suicidal ideation since 2000. I don't have any specific "fantasies", just a couple general ones. I usually imagine a pill overdose, hanging, or gunshot. No specific circumstances, tools, notes, or anything. All generalities.
Up until about 2010, the suicidal ideation would disturb me so much. Now it's just like, "oh, hey, I woke up feeling like I want to die. Terrific. What's for breakfast?" Suicide has become old hat. One of these days the depression's sure to get me, though. It's a war of attrition and the depression has more resources than I do.
The eating disorder is old hat, too. Doesn't it have something like an 80% mortality rate? Well, fourteen years in now. Nobody can say I haven't fought it.
Insomnia isn't helping any of this.
This time around I kind of want to hang myself. The compulsion is stronger than usual, though still not enough to stir up anything stronger than a, "meh." I guess I've just gotten better at separating the emotional, unreasonable parts of my brain from the logical, steadfast portions. Or maybe I'm just too pragmatic. I've weighed the pros and cons of living and dying at my age and they are all b******t.
By now I probably sound like some pseudo-goth-hipster person. Ha-ha. I don't know. I'm just depressed and I'll be damned if I'm going to call some suicide hotline. What can they do?
Hell, what can medications do? I've been on 'em before and it didn't help. (And one of them I abused to get high.) I'm depressed because I can't find work, can't start my life, and my family and mentor have zero respect for me. Don't get me wrong: I know respect is largely earned, but I always feel like we should treat each other with a base amount of respect that increases or decreases based on behavior. The family and mentor don't even do the base respect thing. Well.
I was hoping that writing here would help. It did, a little. Maybe I will get that blog.