Never mind. I accidentally snapped the branch off the orchid while trying to straighten it out more.

So, just eff it. The point is everything is broken and if it's not, I will eventually destroy it on my own. Weeping and taping it back onto the plant is just that extra bit of pathetic and sad.

Edit: So, now that the silly woman has had time to neutralize, the ridiculous tape has been removed from the living thing, Google has been consulted, and we're just going to f*****g relax with Frankie and accept that I broke the fragile pos and wait possibly another effing year growing leaves before another flower graces forth.

It was that last straw, and I took that branch snapping personally. For about two weeks, I've been feeling like crap. I'm coming down from the distractions of douche and dope, and I don't like what's here waiting for me to deal with. I am more upset than ever, the high from learning and changing long ended, and what has settled is a lot of not okay. When that twig snapped, so did every bit composure I've had for over a year, and I just let myself be who I f*****g am. Sometimes, I'm going to be upfuckingset. Yes, I have proven that I can control it and that I don't want to go back to flying off the handle at a pin drop, but yes, I'm going to allow myself the occasion to act in accordance to the clusterfuckery going on within. I can let go for a spell when I come home from work. What I can't do is have it affect my job. Also, I can't allow my psychological makeup to be shaken the way I'm starting to feel it is, like I'm finally becoming certifiable.

My wheels are spinning. They have been for this entire time. At first, it was great. I did so much, learned heaps, was super positive, but now that it's extended and things have settled as they have, I'm feeling desperately trapped, caged, not knowing what to think or feel or say next, because I'll be slapped somehow for doing any one of those things. I pace a lot, fervently, desperately. And, that makes me realize whose behaviour that is akin to. And, that makes me realize I have to figure out how to authentically reconcile things on my own, move on/let go/everything I don't believe in, because in this case, if I don't, I'm going to make myself psycho. I actually don't want that to happen. What I actually want is to just be happy. I know that my current situation is probably custom effing suited for this purpose. True happiness lies within your self, not within the affections of, or coupling with, another. Sucks, but we're grown-ups. Time to meet those own needs in self-sufficient ways.