Recently I've become more and more obsessed with my weight and losing it.I feel awful if I gain weight.When I was younger I was in ballet, and I was bigger than the other girls, however, I found, for my age and height them, I was the correct weight, but I quit because I kept getting picked on, even though I loved dancing.I think this is why I'm having problems later in life, but I don't know what would have triggered this.
Some days I've starved myself to the point of passing out; I've passed out a couple of times in the past four months.I'm eating about 500 calories a day and I skip lunch if I think it'll send me over 500... if I eat under 500 I .. congratulate myself? and allow myself to go slightly over 500 the next day, maybe by like.. 20 calories. My parents don't know, of course, about the lunch thing because I eat at school, and I don't eat breakfast, and I do exercise whenever I can.I punish myself if I eat a single item of food over 100 calories, because that's less for me to eat so I won't feel as full later, so I'm wasting calories.
Frankly I've been telling myself it's nothing, that I'm just on an extreme diet and I just need to be more careful, and that I couldn't possibly anorexic because, of course, I do not look it..but I just passed out, again, a few hours ago so I decided to look it up. I have anorexic friends and I try to help them; it's weird that i might be affected by the same thing, but I want THEM to be okay, because they have stick-thin bodies.. and I've seen them pass out before, and I remembered how often I've been passing out.
I got really scared by some of the stuff I saw online and I seemed to fit a lot of the symptoms, or so I feel.If I do have an eating disorder I want to get help.
I've struggled with self-harm long before this developed and thankfully, i haven't SI'ed for a few months now. I have a form of OCD called dermotillomania and borderline personality disorder; 6 people i'm very, very close to nearly died within the past 6 months and 3 were from attempted suicide, and my parents are also splitting up. These are some other reasons why I think I may have or be at risk for an eating disorder, but I really need someone else's opinion, preferably someone that's recovered from an eating disorder so i can have some insight at how at risk I am at... it sounds nuts but i've seen how this has effected people and i don't want that to happen to me. I am dead serious and I don't want to be judged.Please do not criticise me, because I've come on to this site before with things similar and someone told me not to joke, when I just started with this a few months ago.Please, just can I have some advice? And helpful advice.Telling me to just 'stop' won't exactly work, even though I know I should.