I shouldn't have gone back and looked. Especially, worst of all, from her perspective. Forming opinions by looking through her eyes was the worst way of all to go about this. I mean, I'm sure that if I actually took the time to ask, you would tell me whatever I wanted to know.
But, of course I don't ask. Not that I even could, right now, because you're sleeping like a responsible adult while I sit here and worry about you. I enjoy speaking to you, and looking at you, and being praised by you. It makes me feel good, and fills my heart to the brim. I legitimately care about you. I find myself giggling-- out loud, of all things! I smile at nothing as thoughts of you bounce around my brain. I find myself bouncing around, like an excited child-- twirling my hair and singing loudly with my windows all the way open.
I'm sure you'll text me tomorrow morning when you wake, like you always do, but I feel horribly deprived regardless. I miss you when you sleep, I miss you when you wake. It's ridiculous. So, I couldn't fücking help it. I swear to god. I just couldn't stop myself. I was craving more of you, and I may have accidentally found your ex-girlfriend's profile and now I'm feeling inadequate. She has a boyfriend now, but man she's pretty. It makes me feel so inadequate. And it looks like the two of you were so happy together in the beginning. You even still have a pet that the two of you got together. Two years of your life, man. I get that that's all over with now, that it doesn't matter anymore because it's in the past and this is the here and now. . . But, dämn, it kind of hurts to see that she had such a lasting effect on your life. There are still things today that you tell me you stopped doing for a long time because of her leaving. I hate that she was allowed to have so much time with you, when I'm just now meeting you. I needed those two years that she got with you to grow into the person you deserve, the one you promise you like so much today, but it hurts to know that she got all that time with you. All that time, just to hurt you. She left an earthquake in her wake, everything knocked over and. . . Different. Every time you ask if I still like you, it hurts my heart a little bit more. I feel like I'm trying to pick everything up, set it all back to rights but I don't quite know what I'm doing yet.
I'm so sorry. I'm really trying, here. And I never try with anyone