It Is Comlicated, I Am Complicated

I am 15 and forever alone. I have never had a boyfriend in my life. I have fallen in love deeply once with an um . wateringHOLE! My life is a joke I am a joke, I'm sure if I commited suicide everyone would persue his life normally, well nothing major its not like a celebrity's death or even one of their breakups . I am no body, I have friends but they hang out with me to fill the empty space and they are willing to replace me if I walk away, I have a habbit of choosing rotten friends, but I have a really bright future - if I. Survived the tempting sucidal thoughts-. I could get my master degree and PH from germany, and persue my education there. I want to be a writer , to portray the animated emotions of mine on using a pen, the thoughts lingering like doodling art into the deep blue sea of endless words. Once I start I can't stop, it's the only thing I seem to be good at . I am academically smart and I see a long route with every ambition of mine to , flickering like small silvering sparks to illuminate my path. I am nice but indeed so emotional. I am dying to experiance love, kisses ,hugs, late night talks I just need too feel that someone is affraid to lose me . Movies like the vow corrupted my brain. I need to open up and socialize more.
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TheMagnificent
Thanks for everyone's help <3! I will persue my life , succeed and show eveyone who the boss is ! It's glad to know that even some experianced this at some point of their lives and that I'm not alone :) I can not thank every single one of you, you're acctually supportive more than the people framed in my life :)
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TheMagnificent
This sounds like me years ago. What I did was stop caring about other people, I would only do what I wanted in life, and if people wanted to join me, that would be awesome, but if they wouldn't, I would go alone. This has made me more confident than anything and the confidence found me some real friends and if they don't want to go somewhere with me, I still go alone and I'm having the greatest time of my life. Do what you want to do, you will find your soulmates along the way. It only f***s up when you start longing for them. Same goes for a boyfriend. you don't need one. And in the state you're in now, you would probably only find a boy that is going to treat you bad and you'll feel even worse. Wait what time will bring. Make sure you try to feel good about who you are, because there is only one you. Confidence and a smile will make you more attractive than any of the "cool" people, who fake it all.
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pandabeer
Many people don't realize who really cares about them until it is to late when they die I know your feeling of having no one at all i literally do nothing besides sit in my basement hoping to find some one to talk to. I never have even had a friend let alone a Girl friend as much as I have some one in my heart. I sit up wondering the same things about love and actually being with someone. If you really wish to socialize more try hanging out with your friends more it is a step to getting more. At least you have a single friend just remember there r many like u sadly I cant say the same for me but I rather help at least some one else have a life even if i cant. Not knowing if you cut or not dont go down that road once u start it might be good for the minute but later in ur life when u cant stop as much as u want to u will thank me. Your friends would not b eable to replace u for everyone is unique in a way and even if they replaced u it would still upset and hurt them that u where not there.
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LoneWolf911
Aw suicide. It's much harder than you think. I've tried a couple of times and never succeeded. Although I did f**k myself up pretty good. It was the phone call to my mom as I thought I was going down that really have me that oh s**t moment an opened my eyes. Think I how upset the lady that loves you more than anything in the world would be if she didn't get to see you grow up and succeed. In 3-4 years you'll find out that none if the people in your high school matter. And all those people that are perceived as cool will end up having kids early and work at a gas station until they're 40. Not that there's anything wrong with having a job like that, but that in real life being cool doesn't amount to a hill of beans. Although I would love to have a hill of beans. Especially black beans, those are the best. With hot sauce, franks red hot hot sauce.
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Redcups10
hold on. if you want to, start writing now. Just put down your thoughts, or an idea, and keep going and don't stop and by the time you graduate, you'll have a full beautiful draft on your hands. And when you go into college you can keep going and going and publish that for your senior thesis or senior project and then keep it until its whole and complete and everything you want it to be and let it take you somewhere.
and remember two things:
1) you won't find love on earth if you end your life now
2) you can't deny that someone else gave you life (God did, and if you're not religious, biologically, you're mother did) and it is not your job to take that life away.
Stay here and write something that could change the life of someone who feels just the way you do
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