I sit here with the thought in my head, of how things would be if I were in a different life.How I would fair if I existed as someone else? Would I be more likely to thrive? To succeed? I wonder, I truly do.I've grown tired of the way things are.But then again, that feeling isn't all that new to me.I know there is potential for greatness is everyone, it's cliche, but it's true if you let it happen.I hate how flighty that sounds.I don't have a grip on my life right now.Not that I really can say I ever did.Just I'm nearly 22 and I feel like there is so much in life I never learned.There are so many things I want to experience, good and bad alike.I wish I could learn, I wish I could change.But honesty hits hard, I don't know how to start.I feel so helpless to change the things I don't like about myself.Then again maybe the things about myself I want to change are the things that I'm growing to be, and the old me isn't prepared or alright with that.I Don't know, I never really did.I always used to say it though.Any time someone would tell me something and I didn't feel like listening or hearing it again, I would tell them: "I know! ".I used to get reprimanded for it actually.So once I was told to stop saying that because I obviously didn't if I needed telling to.There is so much I do know, so many things I know need to be done, but I don't know how to start or where to begin.My life right now has a few ways it could go, and I just don't know where to take it.There is the road of life, live and learn, take the chance, try something new, that leap of faith, but what am I to have faith in? I want it to be myself.There is the other road.The norm.The life I know, very little chance for change, at least in the short run.But the 2nd road is one that has guiders, I see the traffic signs and the AAA in my mirror in case I break down along the way.So which do I decide? Don't tell me which one to chose.Tell me how to chose for myself.I depend on other people for so much.There is very little I depend on myself for.breathing and bodily functions are the extent it feels like.I strive so hard to please others, not let everyone else down, but I always let myself down.And I'm sick of that.But I don't know how to win.I feel incapable of making a life of my own.Too crippled by fear, too indecisive, and far too lax in taking the reigns in my own life.It's easy to push the thoughts from my head, avoid life, hide myself from everything around me.There's things I want to do, Things I want to feel, and things I want to be able to say.But I cant find the means to get myself to do those things.I know change doesn't happen over night, but I still feel like I'm 5 steps behind where I should be.I don't blame you for who you are, I don' blame you for who I've become.I don't blame any of you for who I am, and why I am dissatisfied with who I am.I blame myself, I just wish that did something, wished it was worth something.I wished I could transform this blame, to something productive.This is the end of it, no, not life, this stream of consciousness.I walk through my day sometimes, wondering what I'm thinking, then when I clear my mind of that thought, I'm startled to have no thoughts.I feel like I go through this life thinking as little as possible.Not because I want to.But because it seems easiest.
It's time now.Say goodbye till we meet again.