I’m so hungry. I’m trying to ration, and I watch the scale every day. If I fluctuate in the slightest I’ve been a glutton. doomed to get fat and then to starve when there’s nothing left. If the number goes down, I might get uglier because I’m not curvy enough and nobody will want me that way either. I begin to show signs of androgyny. Except my hair.that glorious raven mane they want to touch that still makes me feel beautiful even though I despise myself for it. I’m being punished by the universe for doubting the value of my existence. My hair started to thin out from the stress of it all these many months of learning to cope alone.
It’s all working against me trying to love myself for the reality of who and what I am in opposition to what others wanted or expect. The weight is working against me either way I go. I wanted to work out more to shape my body more in line with expectations but the more I work the hungrier I am and the more I tighten up the more shapeless I become regardless of the number fluctuations. I wanted to be shapely because I knew it’s what he wanted but I was still not good enough ever because I am physically restricted by my own body type. A newer one said it was very attractive. He said my body type was “athletic “ or close to an Asian body and he likes that a lot, but the clothes he buys me make me look like a curvy little goddess. I would choose the same things but I do it because they hide my shapelessness. I’m being consumed by these petty obsessions when I have bigger issues to deal with that should be more important but I’m always hungry.