Issues Of Self Worth

My opinion of myself is tearing me apart. It’s never been easy, but now it’s practically war. I’m hungry but I’m afraid to eat. Not just because I’ll get fat, but I also might run out of food as I’ve run out of money again. I’m beautiful but I’m ugly, too. I’m doing good things to help make the world a better place but some of the things I do to survive and have done in the past make me shameful. I don’t know when I’m wrong or when I’m right to accept help because it’s always got strings even though they say that it doesn’t. Everyone expects something. I give freely and really don’t want anything in exchange when I decide to give, but I don’t really get that from other people. Does that make me a moral snob or something? I don’t understand.

I’m so hungry. I’m trying to ration, and I watch the scale every day. If I fluctuate in the slightest I’ve been a glutton. doomed to get fat and then to starve when there’s nothing left. If the number goes down, I might get uglier because I’m not curvy enough and nobody will want me that way either. I begin to show signs of androgyny. Except my hair.that glorious raven mane they want to touch that still makes me feel beautiful even though I despise myself for it. I’m being punished by the universe for doubting the value of my existence. My hair started to thin out from the stress of it all these many months of learning to cope alone.

It’s all working against me trying to love myself for the reality of who and what I am in opposition to what others wanted or expect. The weight is working against me either way I go. I wanted to work out more to shape my body more in line with expectations but the more I work the hungrier I am and the more I tighten up the more shapeless I become regardless of the number fluctuations. I wanted to be shapely because I knew it’s what he wanted but I was still not good enough ever because I am physically restricted by my own body type. A newer one said it was very attractive. He said my body type was “athletic “ or close to an Asian body and he likes that a lot, but the clothes he buys me make me look like a curvy little goddess. I would choose the same things but I do it because they hide my shapelessness. I’m being consumed by these petty obsessions when I have bigger issues to deal with that should be more important but I’m always hungry.
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anonymous user
Hey,stay strong okay why fit in when ur meant to stand out!
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Kayleemccoy
It sucks how easy it is to gain weight, and how hard you have to struggle to keep it off. Always denying yourself that next bite, the instant gratification of your taste buds and your growling stomach.

I read your entire post and all I can say is that the "shapelessness" and androgyny is probably in your mind. You used three descriptors: athletic, Asian body type and curvy little goddess. Those all sound attractive to me. I would say don't starve yourself to the point of unhappiness and don't let yourself go completely because that will also lead to unhappiness. I think it's much easier to maintain what you have than to have to work all over again to regain what you've lost. I hope that makes some kind of sense. I'm sure you're very beautiful.
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EverydayNormalGuy
Hey. I stumbled upon this now. You seem to be having a rough time. If you want to talk: malacoda11@gmail.com. I work in IT so I reply quick.

If you don't want to chat, hang in there.
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malacoda11