But in response to your post, I think you hit it right on the head when you said, "I find peace when I forgive but then that ugly side of me, that poison that runs and boils through my veins, rears it's ugly head when I think about what they did and I am back to where I started."
The healing comes when you forgive. The problem you are facing is not with the other person, it is actually with yourself. What you desire more than anything is to keep the peace you say you feel when you forgive, but you are struggling to maintain the peace long enough to truly heal and move on.
If there is anything I have learned this far, it is that I am hurting more from what someone has done to me than those who hurt me. Most people who hurt us do not realize the extent of the pain, and they may never know. That is okay. If I can give up the pain, really heal, and move forward then I become untouchable to the circumstances that inevitably surround me.
We will never on this earth see a time where people don't hurt us, and I think it is healthy to acknowledge that we have also been the one's to hurt others as well.
My prayer for you tonight is that you find true peace that lasts and that that peace brings lasting healing that you will carry with you the next time someone hurts you terribly. I am so sorry for what they have done to you. Moving on and healing and forgiving them in no way discounts what they did, it just creates peace in a terrible situation. And that peace will breed Hope.