So, I avoid my own problems by taking on new ones, adopting other's or revisiting old ones, on purpose.

I "indulged" an entire day off, when I really needed to clean and, as always, as ever, start this life. Now comes the feeling of dread, nervousness. It has been awhile since I've been like this. Now, I can pull myself out of some of it on my own, that avoidance of my own problems, but that other thing, the going for my real life thing, I can't. I know it's the root of anything else that is wrong with me.

I've done wonderfully on my own, learned that I'm capable of great strength and bravery. I can move mountains in many ways, but in the end, I've failed at removing that block, that block that was always there. My real and true happiness depends on that block disappearing.

I can't do this one myself. I tried. I wanted to. I failed. I need help.