a couple months ago i fell in love with this guy and everything changed. i stopped talking to my sober friends. i stopped going to meetings. i havent been to a meeting in 3 weeks.
and one night at random for no apparent reason, consciously knowing what i was doing, i ripped the blades out of a shaving razor and cut again. and it felt so good. but then i felt so bad. guilty. the release. but so guilty and wrong and horrible. i didn't tell anyone. boyfriend found out but he doesnt know what to do about it, nor is there anything he can do. i told him it wouldn't happen again.
but it just did. like ten minutes ago. because i had saved the razors. i started thinking about them last night. and tonight, ten minutes ago, i got them out and i did it again and i don't know why.
i'm terrified the same thing will happen with a drink or drug.
i'm terrified for my life.
i don't want to die.
but i don't want to stop.