After like over 15 years out of uni, I'm going to start a distance learning postgraduate programme over children's literature! I've been toying around the idea of taking the course for at least five years, and last year I finally pick up the courage to send out the application! And then I received a conditional offer in days! (Conditional offer because my IELTS was outdated and I need to provide a valid proof of IELTS result) I even got a small scholarship for studying the programme!

And so, why am I saying this in SecretTalk while perhaps you think I can just talk about it on Facebook? Well, it's just because I don't feel comfortable on people responding to it by saying 'Children's literature? Why are you doing it?' 'What do you want to do with a postgraduate degree in children's literature?' 'Are you going to change your job with it?'

I am living in a money-minded place, where both crazy-super rich crazy-super-poor exist in the same city. People prefer travelling elsewhere like ten times a year.

I also worry about my income - I'm not a super-rich, I'm just someone working on a contract job that lasts until the end of next year. I'm turning 40 and (luckily) I'm not yet married and have no kids. I always thought I like to write stories for children because I've been writing stories for a children magazine month by month for over 7-8 years. It's something I thought I like to do, so if I think I want a master's degree and I like this subject, and I'm not bounded to duties, what am I still waiting for? I should go for it!

And here are the worries that pull me back from talking about it on Facebook:

1. I actually stopped posting about myself on Facebook for a long long time already. I don't want to brag and I don't want to let too many people know about my private life.

2. Last year my cousin (a few years older than me) have started taking a master degree in Art therapy in a prestigious university in the city, and I can feel that it did lift her up. And as she will get professional recognition after taking the degree - but it seems that doesn't apply to me after my case.

3. I have a feeling that putting this news on Facebook seems like I want attention from friends, and I'm not sure if I want that. People will just say 'wow great!' 'what are you going to do about it?' etc etc It's tiring to explain it to them (I did the explanation in the personal statement - so I have to do a summary and put it on FB to answer people's question? No need I think .)

4. Friends of my age are becoming mothers, achieving good jobs, and I'm nothing.

5. I do worry, in fact, on whether I can do it. I have a good reason for the worry - I have always been suspecting that I'm actually an adult with ADHD, and I find it really hard sometimes to stay in focus. And when I tend to become really nervous in front of deadlines - I'm the worse kind of deadline fighters. I get bad temper when I'm in a rush. I'm already turning 40 and I'm still facing this problem.

6. I thought that if it is children's literature that I want to work on, I should know more about children's psychology. Therefore, since last year I've been taking a diploma short course (not really short - 7 modules required and each taking 11 weeks to finish). I really learned a lot from the lessons, and it's really useful for me. But my poor habits of being late, not study enough, etc etc still take place. I've already taken 5 modules, and I am leaving the 2 modules left until March 2019 - when I've finished the Spring term of the PGd programme next year. I hope that I will finish the two modules in March 2019 and June 2019, so that before I start Year 2 of the PGd programme I will have wrapped up the Diploma programme.

7. Another worry is that just studying children's literature is not enough - the real thing is to write and get published!

8. And I've been postponing whatever I've been planning for ages.

These are all boring stuff to be posted on Facebook, and there are no answers to these as well as I fully aware that I'm the only person to find an answer to these problems.

All my failures are due to my imcompetence.