. . . on which I'm seeing Steve.
It seems as though Steve's just super effing careful with me. He is worried that he's bugging me, thinks that I need a whole heck of a lot of time to myself. But, he's been thinking about me, wants to spend time with me. He spoke of driving me home from work on a daily basis. And, at work today, he was going home, but offered to return to work because I needed to stay late, just to drive me home, JUST so that he could pick me up later to spend time with him. Kinda super cute. But, I cannot appreciate this, and it's a bummer. I don't want to be taken care of, not anymore. I can't trust it. There's always been a price for this kind of generosity. In the end, no matter what, there's always a hefty price, some payback, and those favours are eventually regretted by those nicest guys that did them. And, it sucks that I can't enjoy this. It seems that I can't stand another submissive guy, I can't stand to be treated well or generously by another " nice guy". No wonder I wanted Derek so much. I just can't trust what I used to adore.
I am coming to realize that I'm going to be a handful. I don't think that I'm going to handle being loved again very well. I don't think I'll be able to accept being adored again. Not by the same kind of guy. It's too familiar, too similar. And, it hurts too much, it breaks my heart. It's stupid to want a man who treats me not so well, but it wouldn't torture me, as it wouldn't be so familiar as to remind me of the greatest loss of my life.