I think I understand why this is happening. I think that I know that this is happening on purpose. How many times can this happen and I just spin out in anger and upset, driving me further into insanity? Or, maybe, I'm more capable than I think, and this keeps happening, because eventually there will be a straw that finally breaks the camel's back, and I won't just submit to psychological invalidation and perpetual loser status, but will instead find the movement that I don't seem to otherwise have to finally change my life. I say that it's not lack of motivation that prevents me from changing my life, it's a barrier/block. But, maybe when etherically pushed to a choice of insanity or change, the right choice may finally break that barrier.