I talk enough smack about the boy, and it's no wonder, he's quite the weasel and sneak. But, he's currently 13 hours north for the week on a hunting trip, and he still swooped in and became hero when I had an upset at work yesterday that had me quite uncontrollable. After texting him that mistakes I am making at work are coming out of my pocket, he instantly called me and laid down the law, refusing to let anyone take advantage of me, demanding that I call the labour board, that I get everything in writing, that he'll help me do all of this and that as soon as he gets home. Completely and fiercely in my corner, taking charge. He does this from time to time, when there's something really wrong, he'll drop what he's doing and come to my aid, talk me through, calm me down, work it out with me, which is, uh . . . effing hot. He did it when I was fired from Honda, he did it when my psycho ex robbed the place, he did it when I was hit by a car. I really like that about Derek. He'd do the same for anyone he's close to.

Actually, he's been texting me on the regular all trip, even saying he misses me, which he doesn't usually do. It's admittedly quite sweet, and if I wasn't wise to his very strange antics on POF during this trip (in addition to everything else these past two years with him), I might have considered that it's due to a deepening of his affection for me. But, I know better than to really believe that. It has become best that I just enjoy the companionship and accept that he has a private double life which includes other women that I do not get to know about, which he lies and sneaks about in order for me not to know. I hate it and resent it with a passionate anger that shakes the core of me, but it's my choice to keep on in silence until one of us finds a more suitable romantic companion. That might not be what he is doing, but that is what I am doing, and if I find one first, I suspect it might be a cruel day for him when I dump him like a hot potato all of a sudden. Well, it's either that, or, I still haven't had sex with him since the night I had that disappointment, and luckily, due to menses, I won't be able to for a couple of days after he gets back. He knows this and he still wants to see me just as much without it, but I'm not sure what will go down when authentic stalling reasons are eliminated and it becomes glaringly obvious that I am avoiding sex. I think I'm okay with whatever happens, if we stop seeing each other as frequently, or even all together. I'm not in love with him, just decidedly sweet on him, it's okay.

We're quitting weed together, again. I'm already done. Derek's CHS symptoms are returning, though he hasn't had an episode, yet. My smoker's cough has become so bad that, after my last smoking session, I couldn't expectorate all of the phlegm (almost a week later and I still can't) and it made me sick with bad cold-like illness that is still with me. That is my limit. That is unacceptable to me. I'm done being stupid about smoking, this is becoming serious. I'm doing so many good things for my health, lately, that smoking has no place or sense in my world. I can't afford to purchase any more for a while, anyhow, and when I do, they will be edibles. Besides, being off of it is much easier, this time. I haven't been jonesing out at all. In fact, I haven't done what I always have done in the past when I'm either without Derek or weed. I haven't been bored, pacing the apartment, feeling trapped, sobbing and desperate. Guess what that means? I think it's safe to say that I'm over a certain hump in my grieving process. I'm so focused on improving my life, getting myself together, figuring myself out, doing little things to get to the true life I want for real happiness, that I am simply less upset and getting over it. This is actually moving along quite rapidly, now that I come to a certain self-enlightenment and focus. I mean, I'm still completely effed up and in transition/identity crisis, but I see a way out of being stuck, some fog is clearing, and there's a hint of brightness in the distance.