I Know None Of This Is Good For Me

I met a guy 2 years ago while gaming. He told me he was 18. He was nice and I liked him so we became good friends. Something changed between us last year and we got close and stared fooling around on the mic in private parties. Then he told me he was actually 17. I was 30. I was already in deep so I said I didn't care. I still don't. We met in person for the first time in July and hooked up that night. He was 3 months off 18. I was still a virgin then. (don't laugh, bad past relationships and severe anxiety issues can really stuff up your love life) Since then we've been sleeping together on and off. He turned 18, then I turned 31. I thought I was special to him even though he told me a lot that he doesn't want to date me (age gap, family disapproval, the usual stuff). Just before Christmas he got sick and I found out he had another girl beside me. I shouldn't have been surprised but I was and it hurt. I've been loyal to him the whole time. He says I should find other guys to be with but I really don't want that. I'm not that kind of girl. I'm playing nice about it because he told me early on that he's young and he wants to run around. My main problem is that I really want to date him. I haven't felt this urge so strong since my first High School crush. I really think putting a label on what we have won't change anything besides finally meeting each others family and him losing the other girl. All his friends either think we are together like that, or should be. I want him so bad I don't know what to do anymore. I can't talk to him about it because he does this thing where every now and then he pushes me away and calls me clingy (even though I'm not) and says hurtful things to justify ignoring me for a week or so and I really don't want that to happen again. I feel it coming though.
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Inshalla
I'm going to say something that's not easy to swallow. I know you think you love him, but there's a serious difference between 31 and 18, one that leaves you with an upper hand that can very quickly become manipulative. What this is is an unequal dynamic. He's a teenager that's barely begun to live life with adult responsibilities. You need to find a way to heal that doesn't involve drinking in the wide-eyed awe of youth.
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