I Know It's Probably Not The Best Idea

cocaine that is, after all cocaine addiction runs in my extended family, but sometimes i need that boost to get me out of my manic-depressive rut.

and frankly, i'm already legally a benzo addict and don't care much for the shame of another addiction.

regardless i've never been and i'll never be a TRUE addict (maybe physically dependent but i never crave drugs, even my meds).
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mylo
thanks so much sarah.

i've been put on a high dose (1500 mg) of depakote per day along with 2 mg of victan (my benzo) but i stopped taking depakote as it just made me lose all the passion for life and extremely suicidal at one point. the victan no longer works, but then again what do you expect out of a benzo, right?

i feel like the only thing holding me here is my buddhist outlook on life, which i can at least try to follow.
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mylo
If you feel it helps you go ahead- but dont tell anybody because people can be rude and judgmental.

Maybe what you need is a good antidepressant or lithium?

Trust me, I know how you feel. Maybe.
Because I used to self Medicate too. The years go by and things get better; so do what you gotta do. It sounds like you know yourself well enough to see your limits. But there is help and medication out there that can make you forget that feeling of needing a buzz.

Take care buddy and hope it all works out for you.
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tortoisehehe
People always say they'll never become an addict.
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lost_in_darkness
no not really considering i've only done coke once in the past 3 years and only like 8 times before that.

i'm really not susceptible to addiction.

to put it as it is: while i'm on coke (as with anyone else) all i can think about is sniffing more coke, when i've crashed and slept it off, think "well that was a nice time, can't wait to do it again sometime next week" and go on about my regular life which is school, gym, and girl.
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mylo
Would that be a subtle form of denial?
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fourfourtyfour