My mom is suing me for allegedly "ripping her c**t" while she was giving birth to me. Apparently I sexually assaulted her while I was still in the womb, but unfortunately I don't have any memory of it. She brought this up on Father's Day of all days, so my dad took me out back, took down my trousers and started whipping me over his knee. Now I have to buy my mom vaginal reconstruction surgery in order to make up for all the "abuse" I took out on her when I was just a baby. I tell you, it's not easy being a guy in today's volatile cultural landscape.