I Am A Liar

Today, numerous people have asked me how I am, how I'm doing, how I'm liking my exchange abroad. Every time I have smiled and said "I'm doing great. I love it! Everything is wonderful!"
Everything is not wonderful. I miss home and my uni and my friends. I haven't made good friends here. All my friends who went on exchange came home with best friends, tight knit groups of other exchange students. I've hardly met any other exchange students. It's my fifth week here and there's endlessly new people. I have to smile and make small chat and ask what program they're in. I don't remember names or faces and no one has made a distinctive impression.

But I can't tell anyone that. Here, there's no one to tell. At home, everyone expects me to be having a glorious time; the adventure of a lifetime. I give them the story, but the story isn't true. Everything is wrong and I am slowly falling into the hole I've been desperately trying to avoid.
I've lied to the casual friends here, the real friends back home, family, and even a counsellor.
"You say you're sad," she said, "but you look so happy."
She had no idea I was using everything within me to not cry.
For some reason, I can't say the words, can't admit there is a problem.
And so I lie.
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anonymous user
It's one thing to lie to others, that's easy. Even the ones we love the most. What's hardest is to lie to yourself . and by admitting your feelings here you are taking a step to not do that. So, you're not lost yet. Changing cities, environments, schools, friends - that's all heavy s**t. There's a comforting sense of yourself amongst those who "know you best" or in some cases just happen to have known you the longest and up until this point.
I moved to a new city for a new job 7 years ago. I . was . miserable. I had a sexy new bf, a killer condo in Ontarios coolest city, a high profile job - but I hated it. I was surrounded by people and noise but I felt alone.
I felt alone until I opened myself up to what and who was around me. I stopped looking for things and places and people that felt like home and instead I started paying more attention to those things that felt like ME. It took a while, but now, my home and my new friends are my world and my hometown friends are my soul. And I'm filled with love.
Balance.
Give it time stranger. You might love where time takes you. Xo
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