Its been a word I've thrown around a lot lately. I never used to. My parents used to tell me when I was little hate isn't a nice word - that its a lot more than disliking someone, its a lot more passionate, yet still very very...cold. Hatred is an emotion that surpasses any forms of rationality, and realism and thorough analysis. When hatred is unleashed it, it always has its repercussions, and someone always ends up getting hurt. That's why, 97 percent of the time, I keep it inside. It's built up so much inside me, and its directed at so many people, I find it difficult to breathe at times. I have never been this hateful in my entire life, I'm not sure its something that can be reversed, and I think its becoming a normality for me - which honestly, I don't think I mind, Maybe these are just a whimpy 14 year old thoughts, but it doesn't make those thoughts any less real or destructive. And the reasons I keep these hateful emotions cooped up inside my mind? I don't know. Maybe I'm too much of a pathetic pushover to release my anger, maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just a 'pussy' as 'friends' have worded it. Maybe I am too chubby and the 'fat' in my 'double chin' obstructs the words from coming out in my fits of anxiety as those 'friends' would also say. I think the main reason I keep my mouth shut is because I know what hatred can do. Like I said, someone always ends up getting hurt. But isn't that bizarre? That I keep my hatred bottled up towards the people I hate because I'm afraid of hurting them. Maybe its because hatred is so close to love. Maybe its because I only know people who can't take what they dish out like their own breaths. Over these past few months I've noticed there's a very fine line between hate and all other emotions. I can begin to hate a person instantaneously; with the drop of a word, or the stirring of an insecurity. Maybe I'm just a judgmental bitch (though I don't think I am. I think I just have feelings.) or maybe I'm a bit too defensive and insecure. But what hurts the most is that I see these people carelessly dishing out hatred on silver platters, to strangers, to celebrities, to acquaintances, to friends, to foes, to me without looking back, and the biggest emotion I feel is jealousy. Why can't I do that? Why can't I just dish it all out without a care in the world. With pure selfishness, and ease, and thoughtlessness.
I'll tell you why. Because the nice people do not win. WE will NEVER win. We will always die because hate can overpower almost every other emotion, except for love apparently, but I've not really experienced much of that.