Not sure what to write. Many things have happened. I promised I wouldnt come back to this site, as I was trying to learn to wean myself off emotional support and become independent. Turns out I just went from one addiction to another seeking emotional support.
Today I stand here and can name the thing at least. It was like the "matrix". Depression itself was a symptom of what I know now has been PTSD from 20 years of covert narcissistic abuse by a parent. I'm currently working through years of internalization of gaslighting, guilt tripping and other psychological torture. Trying to figure out who I am underneath all those defense mechanisms.
My one fear is that now I may myself be displaying symptoms of being a narcissist. I may be abusive in my relationship with my partner or simply be enmeshed in a trauma bond. I try so hard to do the right thing and yet. Underneath the effort, the fawning response and the angry fight response, is what? I don't know.
Hurt people hurt people.
I try really hard to bring awareness to things. Even with the awareness, sometimes pain is a funny thing. It very easily leads us to dissociate and go back to being little 7 year olds. I was great at parenting my parent. I was amazing at being an emotional crutch and putting aside my needs. Something else was more important, my parent's emotions. And when you grow up, you hope that a person will come along and love you. For once, someone will care about making sure you're okay. A person will be curious about what makes you tick and offer you different perspectives on life. You'll both create a place where you both feel loved and wanted, enjoy time together and help eachother be curious about exploring the world.
The funny thing is, I got some of that. But only in theory. I'm grateful, but wow I guess the thing about life is that the lesson is always right under our nose.
A metaphor, if you will:
I go to a restaurant that looks like they need business, and when I realize they got my food order wrong, I try to explain that this isnt what I ordered. However I get told it is. So instead of leaving the restaurant, I just tell myself I'm hallucinating and I love the restaurant and love the food.