Happy Holidays /Life Is Complicated

Hi everyone. Hope you've all been well, those of you who remember me. If not well that's okay :p

Not sure what to write. Many things have happened. I promised I wouldnt come back to this site, as I was trying to learn to wean myself off emotional support and become independent. Turns out I just went from one addiction to another seeking emotional support.

Today I stand here and can name the thing at least. It was like the "matrix". Depression itself was a symptom of what I know now has been PTSD from 20 years of covert narcissistic abuse by a parent. I'm currently working through years of internalization of gaslighting, guilt tripping and other psychological torture. Trying to figure out who I am underneath all those defense mechanisms.

My one fear is that now I may myself be displaying symptoms of being a narcissist. I may be abusive in my relationship with my partner or simply be enmeshed in a trauma bond. I try so hard to do the right thing and yet. Underneath the effort, the fawning response and the angry fight response, is what? I don't know.

Hurt people hurt people.

I try really hard to bring awareness to things. Even with the awareness, sometimes pain is a funny thing. It very easily leads us to dissociate and go back to being little 7 year olds. I was great at parenting my parent. I was amazing at being an emotional crutch and putting aside my needs. Something else was more important, my parent's emotions. And when you grow up, you hope that a person will come along and love you. For once, someone will care about making sure you're okay. A person will be curious about what makes you tick and offer you different perspectives on life. You'll both create a place where you both feel loved and wanted, enjoy time together and help eachother be curious about exploring the world.

The funny thing is, I got some of that. But only in theory. I'm grateful, but wow I guess the thing about life is that the lesson is always right under our nose.

A metaphor, if you will:
I go to a restaurant that looks like they need business, and when I realize they got my food order wrong, I try to explain that this isnt what I ordered. However I get told it is. So instead of leaving the restaurant, I just tell myself I'm hallucinating and I love the restaurant and love the food.
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safetynetxo
Hope you've been well?

True. We all land somewhere on all the spectrums. Yea, I figured I'm not a narc. I just act crazy when Im on a crazy train, when the conductor insists I'm seeing things.
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safetynetxo
Yes, life is complicated. It always is. That's our curse and our blessing.

Tough luck about the fam. And be careful looking for things like narcissistic behaviour in yourself. You will always be able to find something if you are looking for it.
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Cynic
Haha, yeah, we exchanged a few kind words several years back. I'm flattered you still remember me, too.
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Cynical
:p I feel like you made a post or comment about me a long time ago, it was really touching. I can't remember what it said just remember feeling really happy that someone would take the time to write that. So thank you for making me feel special. :) Hope you've been well.
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safetynetxo
I'm still in love with you. . .
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Cynical
Thanks, to you too : )
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safetynetxo
Merry Christmas, Safety. Hope all is well.
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shazam2011