Go, Go, GO!

Goddamnit, that guy's a grumpy and miserable sod when he wants to be! Granted, he's in a lot of pain right now and not mobile. But, truthfully, he's always in pain and always sustaining some sort of injury or another. It's like being with a 80 year old geezer who doesn't have much to say except for groaning on about his continual aches and pains. Except, he's 28, not 80. I can't imagine what the future has in store for the boy regarding this. I can honestly see him with a walker or in a wheelchair or something by the time he's 45. I suppose that's what happens when you treat your body like a machine and put it through the wringer since childhood.

Whatever, though! I had no time nor candy for that crap, today. I woke up in a hella good mood, and more importantly, a doing mood, eager to go-go-go! I didn't care that he was grumpy or whatever. I petted him, rubbed his legs, and and gave him a bunch of "poor baby"s, tried to cheer him up the easy way (with my boobs), but to be honest, meh, I wasn't much sympathetic in my heart. I had too much spunk and spirit, and I was focused on the stuff I wanted to get done around my apartment today, and I'm so happy that I'm ahead of myself. I've already been to the grocery store, had brunch, taste-tested the beet salad I made last night (and it's the best batch I've ever made, I'm soooo happy). The apartment isn't too horrifying, so a light cleaning should suffice enough for Derek's company later on when he comes to watch The Walking Dead and eat some dinner. I'm now going to get started on pumpkin soup, try a new roasted sweet potato, cranberry, and apple recipe that I found today. Hopefully, I'll have enough juice in me to make my avocado dip, and maybe even a chocolate cake (but, that's pushing it). And, it's before 3pm! This is good. A good day!

In other news, I've been thinking about it, lately, and I realize that I want to see my old Christmas tree back up, this year. This is kind of a big deal, as I honestly thought that I'd never be able to handle seeing it up again. I even bought a little Christmas tree 3 years ago to replace it. But, heck, no! The old tree is a grand and beautiful one with frosty tips that make it look icy and wet and shimmery, and I'm ready for it! And, only three years later? That's really very good for me. The only problem is that I never was the one who put it up nor took it down every year, and I really don't want to be the one to ever do it. The little tree I bought to replace it? Yeah, no problem, that's about as much headache as I can take. But, this beautiful honking huge tree? Nah, that's going to have to remain a guy's job. Fortunately, I asked Derek, and he said he'd help me.

I'll of course never be able to even look at the old ornaments, though, and for good reason. It'd be really kinda creepy if I ever wanted to put them up, but the tree itself? Yeah, I loved it when I bought it, and though it'll for sure be a little hurtful at first to have it up, the glory of it will outshine the pangs. I can use new/neutral ornaments and pretty holiday ribbon to decorate it, and it will be very lovely!
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And, doing was indeed done! The pumpkin soup is simmering. The beet salad is chilling. The avocado dip has set. Laundry is soaking in the tub. I didn't get to the sweet potato/apple/cranberry bake nor the chocolate cake, but I am satisfied of just how much I did accomplish. Now, I'm waiting for young Mr. Grumpus to arrive.

While I wait, I'm a cozy wee bug, right now. I'm listening to Blossom Dearie jazz, and the dripping of rain from outside. I'm sipping on a wonderful Chardonnay in the perfect and spotless wine glasses I keep, because I felt I deserved it. Damn, I'm romantic as s**t, really. I'm so very proud that I'm not essentially blue about any of it. I suppose it's because even with someone, I was like this all on my own. I found this music on my own, I had this in my personality all on my own. I enjoyed it mostly all on my own. I thought I was fueled by a great love, but I wasn't. I was fueled by me under the comfort of believing that I was joined by a simpatico second and true love. The invitation to join me was there for the taking. Physically, he joined in from time to time when it was unavoidable. But, if it wasn't adopted in the heart by the one I adored above all, that's not for trying and it's truly not my fault. I suppose I enjoyed so much on my own, when I think on it. The way I internalized and processed my experiences, that was all me. I was on my own, and didn't at all know it. But, should that diminish what it all was to me? It's too bad that it wasn't shared in the soulful way that I felt it. I wanted it so much, I was certain I had it. But, in the end, the truth is here to slap me in the face. However, in its soul, it's all still alive and if everything else was an illusion, the proof in the eventual pudding is that my experiences with him were not dependent on him. They were mine, and still are. It would be nice to share the romance with someone true, granted, but it's truly okay that its not. It's not my loss. Someone else is losing out, and I'm enjoying. I'm so glad that I can, and that I made this happen for myself. Do you know how easy and natural it is for me to do the opposite? To wallow, to melodramatize, to take to misery? I had to fight all of my natural urges to enjoy what I am, all on my own, right now. Yeah, I'm really proud of myself for this.

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