I took the bus down, and he texted me that he'd meet me at the bus stop to walk with me to his house. When I got off the bus, he wasn't there, and I spent the rest of the walk to his house increasingly annoyed and fuming that he broke his word, and another man had let me down and disappointed me. That is, until I got to his house and his door was locked. I called him and was at the bus stop, waiting for me! He had taken a different route there and we missed each other. He didn't let me down, after all.
Although I grabbed a bite after work before going to his place, he made himself a big steak and tried to feed me some while we talked about our day and he let me vent a few frustrations out before massaging my shoulders a bit. He offered me a drink and then built us a fire. He was clearly in his element, outside staring up at the starry night by fire, looking for shooting stars. Serene. When the fire was set enough, he scavenged for tree twigs to chop down and clean up to use for cooking sticks. He always makes them perfect. We roasted hot dogs and marshmallows. But, the planes in the sky were all that was to be seen, and left too much haze in their wake to see the sky clearly. It's not what he is used to, being a boy from the north. But, it was kinda romantic, just the same. Before all the planes, he was talking about bringing a blanket out and lying down under the stars. But, the haze dampened the experience, and we went back in, thinking that we might come back out a few hours later after a nap.
Back inside, I wash up and join him in bed, where our butts are still freezing from being outside, and he cuddles and snuggles me and rubs me to warm me, then turns the touching to a sexual nature, where I'll write no more of it.
It doesn't sound like a situationship, really, or a casual-only thing, anymore, does it? It doesn't even feel like it, anymore, not that I'm really keen on anything more. And, he treats me nicely like this. I think I may be his closest friend, now, unless his ex visits town. Maybe it's just that, that we're closer and he values me more because of it, so is treating me quite well. He doesn't let me down on his word anymore, even when I think he is (he was at the bus stop as promised). Except for the sex, which as I say, I no longer think he's crappy on purpose, and I honestly think that if I decided to brave up and have a discussion with him about it, at this point, he'd be open to making changes for my benefit. But, most of my problem with the sex between us is emotional, with my mind running under the same fuel of "casual" or "situational" that we were originally labelled under, which is unattractive to me. But, what if we're really not that, anymore? We're probably both fooling ourselves.
I didn't even get to post the above before being swept off to his place again. Last night, after more failed sex, I finally told him I wanted to stop the sexual aspect of our dynamic. He literally said "okay" and was passed out sleeping seconds later. Wasn't even sure if he heard me until he drove me home just now and asked me "so, why do you want to stop sleeping together"? Goddamned question asked while on a drive home. All I could say is that I do want to keep sleeping together, I just want it to be good for me, too, and I'm too concentrated on him that I can't get aroused and it's just painful. But, that's only a little of the truth, not even close to the real issue. Shouldn't he know? I mean, I've even told him once how I really like my sex, but it's never changed. How the hell do I tell him that I've never been satisfied with how it's been for over two years? And, most of all, how do I tell him that without insult? A part of me does want to fight about it, and spitefully vent all of my sexual grievances with him, which includes the status to this entire whatevership, tell him exactly what a crap job he does of it, pinpoint and criticize. I am angry about how things have been, but, I've learned better than to expect the results I want to come of being brutal like that, and it's true that I don't want things to end, but get better. I wish I knew how to turn the honey on instead of slinging salt to catch flies. But, would this fly care either way?