Falling Into A Deep, Dark Part Of My Life

I've always prided myself on being an optimist, but for once in my life I feel completely and utterly hopeless.

I managed to graduate Valedictorian from my highschool and got a free first year at Texas A&M.

I just found today out that my college is suspending me for Academic Deficiency, and I've never felt worse in my life. I had a really bad habit of blowing off classes to play video games or chat online with my "friends". I even had an online relationship going. It got so bad that I would go whole weeks without doing any assignments and not caring to check schedules to see when my tests were. Most of the time I didn't go to them anyways. I didn't really care. But now I do. And I wish I had a long time ago. I was just being a dumbass kid acting like College was an extended summer vacation, but now if the phrase "Pain is the greatest teacher" has ever been more fitting, it would be now.

I understand now how much of an idiot I was, and now I'm willing to give anything to go back into college. My parents all think I'm not going to take it seriously. My father's willing to put me into community college, but even he doesn't trust me completely. And I know they have every right to be dubious. And I want to show them that I really have what it takes. To show them that yes, I have learned from my mistakes and I'm ready to stop f*****g around.

The hardest part of all of this is, in order to prove to myself that I was willing to do this (as well as try to pick up better habits) I got myself away from my gaming life. I uninstalled Steam, Deleted my emulators, and cut off my connections with practically the only people I know. Now I have noone. I just have all this pent up frustration and depression and noone to talk to. I can't talk to my parents because they already think I'm not serious. And all the people I thought were my friends are now gone.

I know it's my own fault for getting into this situation, but I want to prove to everyone, including myself, that I've learned from this. That I'm ready and willing to do well in school if only to spare myself from falling back into this pit of depression again. Because it feels awful. It hurts. I just want to curl up on the floor and cry. But I've been fighting tooth and nail with myself to not give up. I keep telling myself that I can do this. That I can make good grades in CC and be allowed back into A&M.

I just want one person, even if they're someone I know nothing about, to tell me I can do it. I'm an optimist at heart. I'm willing to find the best in any situation. But for once I need someone to help pull me out of depression. Because I have noone else to turn to. It feels like the world is caving in on me from all sides.
Like
0
Report Abuse
anonymous user
I guess it's a good thing that when I was a kid I never played video games. I started uni and ended it not because I didn't do good, but because I was smart enough to realize there are alternatives and I am in control over my life. well, that and trying to kill myself did the sorting but still. not a sheep.
Like
0
Report Abuse
Fuzzyssad