It's been a downward spiral from there, right back to where I began. I work twelve hours a day at my job - its grueling work - and it just compounds my stress. It feels like my brain is in a meat grinder. More and more I have fantasies about burning my apartment down, destroying all my things and sinking my car into a river -and me along with it. There will never be anyone I can trust. If I allow myself to feel anything and have any sort of emotion being expressed I'm told by my colleagues and my family to 'calm down,' and if I don't express anything at all, I'm constantly asked 'What's wrong?' There is no happy medium. So I treat emotions like my enemy, because they end up betraying me, and it's better to be a professional robot than to let anyone in to ridicule me.
So I boil. I roast. My heart and mind are now a delicious saute, tossed with grief, despair and a dash of olive oil. Nonexistence is better than this hell. Whatever awaits on the other side, I welcome it.